It’s only Wednesday, and this week has already worn out my patience.
However, anyone who is having a less-than-stellar couple of days should take some comfort in the fact that at least one person is hating this week more than you are: Donald Trump.
While many of us have become desensitized to news stories involving Trump, the leaked audio of Trump bragging about his ability to sexually assault women has cast all subsequent news segments in an entirely new light.
Here are just a few news stories currently unfolding which prove that Trump is going to be extraordinarily happy when this week (and, let’s be honest, this month) is over:
1. Footage of Celebrity Apprentice has been going around which shows Trump firing a female contestant for — you guessed it — “locker room” talk.
In the clip, chef Maria Kanellis is going off on one of her fellow contestants for “taking a crap” in their dressing room and leaving the stench.
Donald’s reply to the comments were, ironically:
“Isn’t it sort of gross, though, bringing that up? … This is my board room, it’s not a locker room. Maria, you’re fired.”
OH OKAY. I guess what you’re saying, Donald, is that locker room talk isn’t appropriate when you’re at work? Or, perhaps, when you’re doing a promotional TV appearance as part of your work?
Trump clearly believes that the rules do not apply to him, however (a common thread in this entire election process). His statement on his own “locker room” comments was: “I’m not proud of it. I apologize to my family. I apologize to the American people. Certainly I’m not proud of it. But this is locker-room talk.”
Just so I’ve got this straight: you don’t want that sort of lewd talk in your boardroom, but a conversation which jokes about sexual assault is perfectly fine for the potential future President of the United States? Cool, got it.
Please excuse me while I go scream into a pillow.
2. He received a woman’s pubic hair in the mail.
A voter named Emily Robinson shared her distinct thoughts on Trump’s “grab ’em by the pussy” remark by sending trump a letter which read:
Dear Mr. Trump,
I am not able to mail you my actual pussy so I’ve included the next best thing.
She then taped a portion of her own pubic hair to the note.
A pretty shrewd move, considering a woman’s pubic hair is probably ranked high on Trump’s top ten list of frightening things!
3. Trump boasted to Howard Stern that he regularly walked in on beauty pageant contestants while they were naked.
CNN recently released clips from Trump’s various appearances on Howard Stern, and among the many despicable topics was a segment in which Trump admitted to intentionally walking through the Miss USA and Miss Universe dressing rooms while the contestants were in various stages of undress. (Trump owned the pageants from 1996-2015).
In the audio, Trump tells Stern:
Well, I’ll tell you the funniest is that before a show, I’ll go backstage and everyone’s getting dressed, and everything else, and you know, no men are anywhere, and I’m allowed to go in because I’m the owner of the pageant and therefore I’m inspecting it. You know, I’m inspecting because I want to make sure that everything is good. You know, the dresses. “Is everyone okay?” You know, they’re standing there with no clothes. “Is everybody okay?” And you see these incredible looking women, and so, I sort of get away with things like that.
I’ll give you a moment to clean up your vomit.
Several interviews with former beauty pageant contestants corroborated this braggadocious statement. One former beauty queen told BuzzFeed News that Trump definitely pulled this particular stunt during the pageant in 2000, saying, “The time that he walked through the dressing rooms was really shocking. We were all naked.” A 1997 Miss Teen USA pageant told BuzzFeed that the same thing happened to her group of contestants as they were putting on their dresses, and that Trump essentially said “Don’t worry, ladies, I’ve seen it all before.”
So, just to recap: Trump used his power as the pageant owner walked through dressing rooms and ogle women as they were changing — and some of those women were teenagers as young as 15 years old.
4. He urged his supporters to get out and vote on November 28th.
If you were unaware, this year’s election is on November 8th.
At last night’s Trump rally in Panama City Beach, Florida, however, Trump yelled that everyone should make sure to register and “get out and vote, November 28th.”
Um, sorry, Donald, I think you have your dates confused: November 28th is when you’re supposed to appear in court to defend the fraud allegations against Trump University.
Naturally, Twitter couldn’t resist jumping on this particular mishap:
So, don’t let Trump’s “best words” confused you: Election Day is November 8th, regardless of what the presidential nominees might think.
And on November 8th, we can hopefully all sit back and laugh about how this whole campaign was just a bad fever dream!