If you believe the things you see on Instagram, then chances are you think pregnancy is all smiles and gorgeous maternity photos. In reality, it’s probably one of the weirdest, grossest, and most uncomfortable times in a woman’s life. When you’re pregnant, your feet swell and your boobs get huge, you get forgetful, you feel sick constantly, and it becomes ridiculously difficult to control your moods and bodily functions. If you’ve been through it, you’re probably nodding your head in agreement right now. If you haven’t been through it, well, these are the things you can expect.
Here, 11 different women share the most humiliating and downright awkward experiences they had during those nine strange months of carrying a baby.
1. I started lactating at work.
“I was 7 months pregnant with my first child and entirely unaware of the fact that you could start leaking breast milk while pregnant. I found out while wearing a gray shirt and having a chat with the founder of the company I was working for. It was like, baloney-sized wet spots forming before our very eyes. They couldn’t be ignored. I ran home to change and sobbed the whole way. Then, I went to Target and bought nursing pads to stick in my bra for the rest of my pregnancy.” – Valerie M., 34.
2. I got body-shamed by a stranger.
“When I was about 6 months pregnant, I was chatting with a woman while picking up a coffee to go. She kept telling me how small I was. She can’t believe how tiny. She can’t believe I’m 6 months pregnant. We talked for a while longer, and before we separated she gave me a blessing. I thought that was that and we walked opposite directions. Then, as I was about a block away, she screamed down the street at me, “I know why you look so small. It’s because it’s all in your ass!” – Leigh S., 44.
3. I insulted my boss’ husband.
“Pregnancy brain hit me hard — so hard that I was walking down the street and happened to see my boss’ husband (who also happened to be a high-ranking person at our company). I said “Hi” to him. The problem? I called him by the wrong name.” – Alice G., 35.
4. I accidentally flashed my MIL.
“I decided to get an epidural after I’d been laboring for a while. Once you get the epidural, you can’t get up and walk around because you’re numb. That means I couldn’t get up to pee. A nurse had to come in every few hours and manually drain my bladder. Well, at one point I was basically spread-eagle while a nurse was doing this, and in waltzes my MIL who’d just arrived at the hospital. She saw right up my whole butt, vagina, everything. EVERYTHING. I’m surprised she can still look me in the eye.” – Ashley M., 29
5. I went off on a complete stranger.
“I was in labor with my first born and agreed to have a (male) nurse-in-training stay to help. My sister was there, and she recognized the training nurse as her friend’s older brother. They chatted for a long time. Then, my labor sped up and everyone was asked to leave. My sister’s ‘friend’ held one of my legs. Through my fury, I screamed at him to ‘shut up,’ ‘stop cheerleading me,’ and yelled ‘you’re not a doctor, don’t tell me I can’t push. I’m pushing!’ I basically went off on him while he saw my enormous vagina splitting open. Two years later, he was a guest at my sister’s wedding. He also decided not to follow the OB nursing track.” – Julie B., 34.
6. I got stuck in my car.
“The parking spaces are very tight on the campus where I teach. I was 7 months pregnant and could not get out of my Jeep, so I tried climbing over and exiting on the passenger side. I got stuck, and it somehow triggered the car alarm. On that particular vehicle, the ONLY way to shut off the alarm was to drive the vehicle and reach 15 mph. Students everywhere. Alarming blaring. Preggers Spanish teacher with rear-end up splayed out on passenger side. That was three years ago. The campus security guards still giggle when they see me.” – Andrea D., 42.
7. I couldn’t stop farting.
“I had the world’s worst gas the entire time I was pregnant. One day I was doing a maternity yoga class, and I had to fart so bad. I was trying to hold it in but it wasn’t going to happen. I tried to, like, slowly release the fart, but instead it just roared out of me like an engine on an old car, and it smelled so. bad. No one said anything, but I know they all knew it was me. I just kept my eyes down on my mat. I didn’t know what to do.” – Leslie K., 35.
8. I threw up in front of my students.
“I’m a teacher and I get really bad morning sickness. When I was pregnant with our fourth child, I was teaching a year 3 class. Most days I would make it outside to vomit — if not to the toilet, then at least out of the room. One day I wasn’t so lucky and ended up vomiting crouched down behind a bookshelf in the classroom, much to the kids’ disgust.” – Nicole L., 33.
9. I fell asleep on the toilet…at work.
“When I was pregnant, I worked at a retail pharmacy. During one afternoon shift, I took a minute to go to the bathroom. I sat down to take care of business and, the next thing I know, I’m snorting myself awake, while still sitting on the toilet. I immediately finish things up and dart back out to work, thinking, “That was close. Glad I was only gone a minute and nobody noticed.” It was then I saw that I’d been gone for 30 minutes and no one said a word. This happened more than once. Pregnancy fatigue is no joke.” – Kelley L., 40
10. I almost peed my pants.
“I was in Stockholm with my husband, and I was shopping for a purse. Suddenly I had to stop. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t talk… I needed to go to the toilet. I mean asap. A sound, a movement — I was sure to have an accident. Tip toeing with crossed legs I entered the first door I could find: a high security bank. A guard sat in a desk surrounded by screens, and super serious movie-like surveillance, bomb-secured glass, marble. I squeaked out an apology and begged to get to use the bathroom or a cup, anything. I was desperate. He called in a female staff member to accompany me to the bathroom, through a metal detector, still tip toeing with my legs crossed and with a desperately focused expression. I made it to the bathroom. I didn’t even mind that I wasn’t allowed to close the door. She stood with her back toward me, and I was so thankful to relieve myself.” – My L., 27.
11. I completely lost my shit during a bikini wax.
“I got a bikini wax as a kind gesture to my OB/GYN, who I thought would appreciate working in a well-manicured lady garden. What I didn’t know was that increased blood flow to the genitals during pregnancy makes waxing about 10,000 times more painful. I cursed and flailed and begged for an epidural as the wax girl carried out her torture. After that, I drove home and vowed not to leave the house again until contractions started.” – Rachel P., 32
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