I’ve always been a firm believer in self-love. If you’re not taking care of yourself, how will you ever know what you want in the bedroom and how to articulate that to your partner? However, I am also a firm believer in the idea that you should love yourself….in private. Recently, I was telling a friend how I was sitting a row across from a guy who kept his blanket over him the entire time. I told my friend that there was a lot of hand movements going on under the blanket despite the fact that he was attempting to look like he was sleeping. ‘He was definitely jerking off,’ my friend told me, to which I was both amused and disgusted. It had never occurred to me that some people’s “thing” would be to get off in public at the risk of being caught. I wanted to know where other people had tried getting off in public, so I asked 15 people about the strangest place they’ve masturbated. After reading these, be prepared to assume that someone is masturbating around you at all times.
1. The backseat fapper.
“One time I was taking a very long road trip in the family van so I went all the way in the back while everyone but my parent who was driving was asleep. I rubbed one out under the blanket and it made the rest of the trip way more enjoyable.” -Harry, 23
2. The carnival spanker.
“Would jerking off really quickly on a ferris wheel on a dare count?” -Michael, 25 (Ed note: Yes, Michael, yes it would.)
3. The cool-down jerk.
“I’ve jerked off in my high school showers before after a long practice and everyone had gone home. It was thrilling thinking I could be caught at any moment.” -Miles, 30
4. “Juliette Jerk-off.”
“I think the weirdest place I’ve masturbated was while at girl scout camp. One of the older girls told me about it so I went to the bathroom and did it. I got the nickname Juliette Jerk-off for the rest of the trip.” -Juliette, 27
5. The hangover helper.
“I’ve masturbated while on the floor on my best friend’s room. We had crashed there after a night out of drinking and I woke up and just needed something to make my headache go away.” -Caroline, 24
6. The hot tub rubber.
“I’ve masturbated in the hot tub of a Marriott hotel before. Something about the heat and the jets really did it for me.” -Martha, 25
7. The solo mile-high club member.
“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve jerked off in an airplane bathroom. If I’m on a long flight and I can’t sleep I just excuse myself, take care of business, and I sleep like a baby for the rest of the flight.” -Oliver, 27
8. The wallflower wanker.
“By far the weirdest place I’ve masturbated was at a circuit party. I guess it’s not weird for me to be jerking off there because people have sex in the backrooms a lot, but it was an experience for sure.” -Max, 29
9. The frappé fappé.
“I’ve masturbated in a Starbucks bathroom before in Time Square. Sometimes when nature calls, you have to answer.” -Alexander, 22
10. The bloomin’ beater.
“I’ve jerked off on my 10 minute break at an Outback Steakhouse, I had a bunch of really difficult customers throughout the night and I just needed something to calm myself down.” -Joseph, 25
11. The doomed diddler.
“I’ve jerked off in my grandma’s bed while I was housesitting for her while she was away…I’m going to hell, I know.” -Elliot, 29
12. The frat-tastic fapper.
“The strangest place I’ve jerked off for sure is going to be in front of all my frat brothers on a dare in the frat house. I’m sure there is a video of me out there somewhere with my wang out.” -Daniel, 25
13. The port-a-potty pole polisher.
“Far and away the weirdest place has to be in a port-a-potty at a music festival. I kept striking out with the ladies and just needed a release.” -Evan, 23
14. The Chuck E. Cheese chicken choker.
“I’ve masturbated in the bathroom at my little cousin’s birthday party. Oh, did I mention it was at a Chuck E. Cheese? Maybe change my name, that makes me sound so fucking creepy.” -Greg, 25
15. The sleeping salami slapper.
“I’ve masturbated next to my best guy friend before while he was asleep. I told him about it the next day and we both just laughed.” -George, 21