Halloween is in a matter of days. A MATTER OF DAYS.
And, if you have yet to jump on the costume bandwagon, you may very well find yourself scrambling to pull together a costume in the remaining hours before Halloween night.
But don’t worry — we’ve all been there, and we all understand the costuming struggle.
Here are a few thoughts that are likely to enter than transom of your mind during the living hell of Halloween shopping. While these will probably offer you little comfort in the way of advice or ideas, they will reassure you of one very important fact: you are not alone in your Halloween procrastination.
“Can I legitimately wear a T-shirt costume?”
Hey, there’s no shame in considering this option. They’re cheap, they’re comfortable, and there’s an almost 100% chance that people will automatically recognize your costume (unless they’ve never seen a red M&M before). However, there are certain negative connotations associated with T-shirt costumes that you might want to avoid (*cough* laziness *cough*). You may be more comfortable than everyone else at the party — but, at the end of the day, you’ll still be “that person” wearing a T-shirt.
“How much boobs are too much boobs?”
Look, there is no definitive rule on how much skin one should show during Halloween festivities. If you feel that a hefty amount of cleavage is both maintainable and comfortable for you, then why not flaunt what you’ve got? But, just remember: it’s late October. You and your *ahem* “accessories” may be a tad chilly. Consider your nips warned.
“Should I dress up as something topical? What would that even look like? Is Pizza Rat still a thing?”
Ugh, can we just steer clear of being culturally relevant? If you truly feel compelled to dress up as Ken Bone, then FINE, I will give you my blessing and send you on your way. But perhaps it would be in your best interest to STEER CLEAR of modern meme-dom on Halloween? Because I guarantee you: someone else at the party is going to be wearing the same Ken Bone outfit that you thought was so witty and topical.
“Is there a sneaky way to incorporate an entire Snuggie into this outfit?”
This is a totally understandable impulse, and I encourage you to LEAN INTO IT. The more blanket-like you can make your costume, the better. Not because I’m against the more form-fitting options — but because, if you have the opportunity to essentially turn into a walking pillow fort, YOU SHOULD TAKE IT. Those cozy, comfortable costumes always end up being the envy of every Halloween party, particularly when it’s late in the evening and people are starting to feel drowsy.
“Gee, Lycra is surprisingly expensive.”
I don’t know why Halloween costumes are so expensive. Oh wait — yes I do. Because when you’re buying a last-minute Halloween costume, you will do ANYTHING to make the process as quick and painless as possible, even if that means shelling out $75 for a cheesy pirate outfit (although, seriously, please don’t spend $75 on a cheesy pirate outfit). While it may be tempting to throw money down the drain in the hopes of expediting this process, save your dignity and self-respect: keep it cheap, and DIY that shit.
“This wig smells like bad decisions.”
Yeah, there’s lots of gross, cheap accessories for sale in those giant Halloween superstores. They are necessary evils, and are usually overpriced and weirdly sticky. I can’t explain it scientifically, but it is a very real phenomenon.
“Where did my childhood go? I miss my soul.”
Remember when Halloween was a truly pure occasion of unbridled joy and cavities? Remember when you didn’t have to put any effort into looking cute? Remember when the idea of eating an entire bucket of candy excited you rather than repulsed you? (Well, okay, that one is still true.) Shopping for Halloween costumes is a quick reminder that your youth is well behind you and that you have lost your capacity for enjoying holidays. Hooray!!!
“Do I have the patience to actually DO complicated face makeup? … Nope, definitely not.”
Just … don’t attempt it. If you happen to be experienced in the ways of makeup artistry, then, by all means, paint your face in an elaborate and festive fashion. However, if you are a lowly noob, then I guarantee that you will severely overestimate your abilities and wind up with a smudgy, painty mess. Plus, your face will definitely melt onto your costume by the time the evening is half over.
“What costume says ‘Sexy,’ but also ‘Clever,’ and also ‘Not Trying Too Hard’?”
Nothing. There is really no single costume that can accomplish this feat, so you’re probably going to have to lower your expectations.
“F*ck it. I’m drawing some whiskers on my face and buying some cat ears.”
You’ve reached the inevitable conclusion that all exasperated Halloween shoppers eventually come to: less is more, time and money are precious, and you’re only doing this as an excuse to get drunk, anyway.
Happy Halloween! Don’t worry, it will all be over soon!
Related-ish: 16 Halloween Costume Tees For The Truly Lazy Girl