I call my vagina "New Yorker cartoon" because it's dry and a handful of people have laughed at it
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 16, 2016
Good luck finding a haunted house as scary as my morning commute.
— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) October 18, 2016
Me, a brilliant analyst: if everyone who was in the traffic drove fast instead of slow, there wouldn't be traffic
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 19, 2016
Today's look: I've completely given up.
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) October 19, 2016
Every time I see the phrase "big pharma" I'm reminded that it would make a great name for a plus-sized drag queen.
— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) October 19, 2016
life hack: log off
— Heather Schmelzlen (@anchorlines) October 19, 2016
Totally happy for my beautiful cousin who just got engaged but let us not forget that she shit herself in a ball pit when she was 12
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) October 19, 2016
I shouldn't be this disappointed with the grown ass woman doing a word search next to me on this flight but here we are.
— Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) October 19, 2016
(Me every single morning)
"Okay, I have to leave for work in 10 minutes. Just enough time to start making a complicated omelette!"
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) October 19, 2016
Whenever someone is patronizing you just squint and say, "Are you wearing lipstick?" Works best on men.
— erin chack (@ErinChack) October 16, 2016
There's a certain place in hell for people who Snapchat the same photo they post on their story.
— tara (@TaraLevine_) October 19, 2016
Ladies treat yo self right, grab your own pussy tonight.
— Giulia Rozzi (@GiuliaRozzi) October 20, 2016
Weighed myself. Didn't like the results. Refused to accept them.
— shauna 💃 6 days (@goldengateblond) October 20, 2016
"No one respects nasty women as much as I do."
— 💀JESSIE💀 (@NicCageMatch) October 20, 2016
Tip: Always carry a mannequin head to kiss in case someone doesn't want to make out with you.
— Stacey Nightmare (@STACEYNIGHTMARE) October 17, 2016
i hope the russians don't hack into the "dog butts" photo album on my laptop
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) October 21, 2016
I don't care if this baby is a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy and it's 3 dragons
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) October 20, 2016
An egg white omelette is like a regular omelette only depressing.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) October 20, 2016
Guys, if I were on death row my last meal would be an Everlasting Gobstopper.
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) October 20, 2016
You know what's really rigged?! The scale at the gym.
— Leah Bonnema (@LeahBonnema) October 20, 2016
To all my haters: u better check yourself. For ticks. Especially if you've been in the woods. Or tall grass. I care about u guys. Ok haters?
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) October 20, 2016
Nothing about going on a cruise sounds like vacation to me
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) October 17, 2016
Truthful Tuesday: I just emptied my swear jar into the Coinstar machine. I had enough to buy a house in Malibu & 10 ounces of premium kush.
— Funny Beach Girl (@funnybeachgirl) October 18, 2016
Aaaand one dude…
What's a good Halloween costume that doesn't require makeup and isn't uncomfortable and is my regular clothes?
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 19, 2016