Going to the gym is, in itself, a somewhat unpleasant undertaking. In addition to the actual task of physical exertion, there are the unpleasant smells, the “joy” of undressing in front of strangers — and then there’s people you actually have to deal with.
If you ever get into the habit of going to the gym on a regular occasion, you will probably have to encounter these “delightful” people, in no particular order:
1. The Human Sweat Rag
This person hasn’t fully grasped the whole “Wipe down the machine after using it” concept — which is a shame, because their body is somehow producing more moisture than my tear ducts when I watch Pixar movies. Like a slug, they perpetually leave a trail of slime in their wake, and they give zero fucks about it.
2. The Chick-Scoper
Fair warning: there are usually more than one of these in an exercise establishment at any given moment. These dudes are here to creepily stare at you whenever you dare to venture into the weight room or use a machine that’s in their peripheral vision. Perhaps they have a sweat fetish! Perhaps they really dig the whole “No Makeup” look! I don’t know what their deal is, but they are as predictable as the tides.
3. The Perfect Physical Specimen
This beautiful human is the worst type of Gym Person: they have a perfect body, and, what’s worse, they are wearing workout clothes which expertly accentuate this fact. There you were, schlubbing along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden THIS person shows up and turns the gym into a damn music video. Have some damn respect, Perfect Humans! Just go for a run around the block, and leave the gym to us mere mortals, okay??
4. The Loiterer
WTF is this person even doing? They’re sitting on a machine, they aren’t working out, and they’re passively looking at their phone! Did they wander into this place assuming it was some hot new club that just happened to smell like sweat and cleaning fluid? Do they think these exercise machines are complicated, ergonomic Danish chairs? I don’t even know, but they will ensure that you have to wait a good twenty minutes to use any particular machine.
5. The Grunter
Look, the gym isn’t a library, and I don’t expect everybody to work out in total silence. But are the intense grunts and huffing really necessary? Like, we get it, you’re very strong and that’s very impressive. But maybe keep your uncomfortable and jarring noises to yourself so you don’t scare the sh*t out of everybody else?
6. The Clueless Person
This person has no idea how any of the machines work, and that is JUST THE WAY THEY WANT IT. They will misuse every single piece of gym equipment, all the while in a blissfully-unaware stupor. On the upside, they’re usually pretty funny to watch.
7. The Locker Room Lurkers
These people aren’t even aware that there’s an actual gym in this building. They’re just here for the saunas, showers and — what else? “Locker room talk,” I guess? These specimens just sit there wrapped in towels for hours, shooting the sh*t and being generally oblivious to everyone else who is silently and efficiently going about the business of changing clothes. The gym isn’t where they go for a workout — it’s where they go for their social life.
8. The Girl Wearing Makeup
Spoiler alert: this girl is probably not going to work up a sweat anytime soon. Rather, she’s going to stand around the equipment and focus on “finding her light” so that she can take some awesome selfies. Her workout clothes probably cost more than your monthly electric bill, but she doesn’t stay at the gym long enough to put them to any actual use. You can usually recognize that she’s nearby, thanks to the cloud of unnecessary perfume that she’s wearing.
9. The Cell Phone Talker
What are you doing??! Are you having a conversation that is somehow improved by being in a room fully of sweaty, grunting people? Are you somehow convinced that everyone will appreciate hearing tidbits of your personal life while they’re trying to focus on their own personal physical hell? NO? THEN GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE, BECAUSE NOBODY’S IMPRESSED.
10. The B.O. Cloud
You’ll “sense” them before you see them. Their “presence” will affect you long before they start using the machine closest to you. They’ve either been exercising for hours, or they’re smuggling a bunch of old burritos under their sweatpants. This person has a severe body odor issue, and there isn’t a GODDAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Instead, you must simply suffer in silence and periodically hold your breath while they exercise next to you.