Navigating the sea of costumes at any given Halloween function is like a pop-cultural version of “Where’s Waldo?”
There’s a subconscious code that we all abide by, in terms of identifying people’s costumes and promptly making snap judgements about their personality. For example, if you see some dude dressed as a pirate, you know that he only chose that costume because he wanted an excuse to say “booty.” Or, if you see someone dressed as a ghost (with a bed sheet and all), you know that they had no idea they were coming to this party until about 20 minutes ago.
While I’m certainly not condoning judging a book by its cover (books can’t help it if they have crappy cover art!), there are definitely some common costume trends among Halloween party-goers — and if you know how to interpret them, your night will be much smoother.
Here are just a few brutally-honest interpretations of popular costumes you will probably run into this year:
The Joker = “The Last Person At This Party You Want To Hook Up With”
I’m sorry, but if you’re willingly dressing up as The Joker this year, I have some serious doubts as to your skills as a lover … or your grasp on reality, to be honest. And yes — you receive even FEWER points if you’re dressing up as the Jared Leto version as opposed to the Heath Ledger version.
Sexy Professional = “A Good Excuse To Wear Underwear In Public”
It’s fine! Really! Just admit it already: you really like the way you look in lingerie, and wish it were socially acceptable to wear it in public. And that’s perfectly understandable! If you’ve got it, why not flaunt it? I just don’t understand why you need to dress it up with the pretense of a profession. Just tell people you’re “Underwear Girl” and call it a day — no need to desecrate the noble nursing profession any longer.
Any Superhero = “A Slight Inferiority Complex, Probably”
Unless it’s an ironic superhero, these costumes always seem uncomfortably earnest. While I certainly understand the desire to dress up as a muscular superhuman, it does make me feel like perhaps you’re eagerly over-compensating for something. The person dressed up as an adult Iron Man is always super excited about Halloween, and clearly willing to spend a considerable amount of money achieving their dream costume. However, they’re also usually a giant man-child (which may actually be a positive, if that’s your particular cup of tea).
Zombie = “Still Thinks Zombies Are In Like It’s 2007 Or Something”
Look, The Walking Dead is (sort of) great, but zombies have honestly become sort of passé. Like, why not just dress up as a vampire during Twilight‘s heyday?
Glam Witch = “Wants To Look ‘Spooky’ But Not ‘Ugly'”
Halloween can honestly mean whatever you want it to mean (that’s not totally true, but just go with me, here). For some, Halloween is about embodying another iconic person. For others, Halloween is about being spooky or scary. And for some, Halloween is just about looking like yourself, but better. If you’re dressing up as a witch, there’s a decent chance you fall into this latter category, and are simply looking for an excuse to wear a little black dress with some dark lipstick.
Donald Trump/Hillary Clinton = “Avoid Conversation At All Costs”
Yes, this election is currently the hot-button topic of conversation for the entire nation — but MUST you destroy the sanctity of the holiday by bringing the unholy topic of politics into Halloween? This person probably brought their own six-pack and isn’t letting anyone else drink from it. They are probably also wearing a terrifying rubber mask that smells bad. It is perfectly fine if you don’t talk to them tonight.
Harambe = “Too F*ckin Soon”
Look, I don’t know WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, but you need to have some damn respect.
Also, if you dress up in a full-body gorilla suit, your butt is going to sweat like crazy. Just some food for thought.