Roughly 80% of marriage is texting "ok."
— Kim Holcomb (@kimholcomb) September 1, 2016
I practice safe sex by being genuinely repulsive.
— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) October 23, 2016
I made eye contact with an attractive man at an urgent care this morning while an ad for Hep C testing played so I'm having a sexy day.
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) October 24, 2016
Sorry I ate your kid’s volcano science project
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) October 24, 2016
I am horrible at romantic love, but amazing at the first part of the rom com where the two protagonists hate each other
— Barbara Holm (@barbara_holm) October 24, 2016
If this mirror is accurate, I'm going as my mother for Halloween this year.
— Madame Mumsie (@MUMSIEesq) October 24, 2016
Nobody is more enthusiastic about discussing something than someone with a bad idea.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 24, 2016
hate when people tag photos of me that reveal what I actually look like
— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) October 24, 2016
I lost my work ID. I can't decide if I should get a new one or just never go to work again.
— Mary Cella (@mary_cella) October 25, 2016
My Wonder Woman costume is just my regular clothes and a rope for lassoing off men's dicks.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 25, 2016
trick-or-treating but instead of candy, you get compliments
— Jenna Amatulli (@ohheyjenna) October 25, 2016
this election's been so all-consuming I've almost forgotten all of the other reasons I used to hate people
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 25, 2016
Your MOM is currently experiencing a high volume of calls
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) October 25, 2016
I'm writing a millennial version of "Pride and Prejudice" where Jane calls Mr Bingly "bae" and Elizabeth just can't even with Mr Darcy.
— Horrific Ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 26, 2016
The worst part about talking on the phone is you can't be on your phone.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 26, 2016
Photo editing didn't exist when I was in school so I just want all of you college kids to take a moment and realize your blessings.
— Catie Warren (@catie__warren) October 27, 2016
I'm confused why people could have a feet fetish, but I'm moreso confused why people don't call it a "feetish".
— nasty leah knauer (@LeahKnauer) October 24, 2016
This Halloween I'm dressing as the scariest thing I can think of, an empty wine bottle.
— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) October 27, 2016
Going to try to work a phrase I just read in a professional publication into everyday conversation. That phrase is: "Sack full of dongles"
— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) October 27, 2016
Do you ever worry that you missed your chance & now you're too old to pull off a crop top or a sustainable emotionally healthy relationship
— Sarah (@thetigersez) October 27, 2016
When I see someone smiling fondly at their phone I like to imagine it's a sweet text frm a loved one but I know in my heart it's prob a meme
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) October 28, 2016
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself & our parents swiping through our camera roll when U WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT 1 PIC MOM!
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) October 28, 2016
I wanna be the person who says, "I'm marrying my soul mate and my best friend," but if that were true we'd both be marrying our dog, too.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) October 28, 2016
Aaaand one dude…
"People You May Know" is Facebook for "People You 100% Know & Consider Enemies"
— Kevin McCaffrey (@KevinMcCaff) October 27, 2016