Halloween is a time of costumes, debauchery, terror — and, most importantly, candy.
Even though trick-or-treating is (presumably) a retired pastime for most of us, we are still likely to procure a fair amount of candy during the Halloween season. In fact, you probably have a little pile of candy in your house somewhere right now, either awaiting trick-or-treaters, or awaiting your own mouth.
However, amid all the tasty Halloween candy is what I like to call the “filler” Halloween candy: the pieces of sugar which exist purely to take up space, and are essentially forgotten before they’re ever unwrapped — or, in some cases, disposed of immediately.
Fortunately for you, I’ve created a handy-dandy, ranked guide to these very candies. If you have to deal with them this Halloween, you might as well know which ones are worth your time, and which ones should be burned at the stake:
The “Headed For The Trash Immediately” Group:
These candies are totally f*cked from the beginning, because it doesn’t take a genius to realize that these abominations have no place in any self-respecting Halloween candy bucket. Into the garbage they go!
19. Circus Peanuts
No. Just … no. These mushy pieces of styrofoam are way too reminiscent of shriveled ears — a detail which is always made even more disturbing by the fact that they’re usually doled out by old people.
18. Wax Lips
HI. WHAT PART OF “CANDY” DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? THESE ARE PIECES OF WAX. THEY ARE FOR TEETHING BABIES. CUT THE CRAP AND GIVE ME CHOCOLATE.
17. Candy Corn Pumpkins
Okay, I’m one of the weirdos who actually likes candy corn — but even I stay away from these too-sweet confectionary catastrophes.
16. Good & Plenty
“Licorice candy”? Don’t they realize that that is an oxymoron? No wonder there’s always “Plenty” — nobody wants to eat this sh*t.
You would honestly get more milage out of these if you just used them as earplugs.
14. Necco Wafers
What is this, the 1950’s?? I don’t want to consume any flavored chalk dust, thank you very much.
Ha! Nice try, folks. It doesn’t matter how much chocolate you coat them in, THESE ARE STILL RAISINS AND DO NOT COUNT AS CANDY.
The “Doomed To Be Forgotten About In The Depths Of The Pantry” Group:
These candies definitely fall on the “sucky” end of the spectrum, but not so much that they are immediately headed for the trash bin. Instead, they will be set aside for an indefinite period of time, where they will fossilize and develop a coating of dust before someone finally puts them out of their misery and throws them away.
12. Hot Tamales
Some people tell me that they genuinely like these, and I fear for their health. Hot Tamales are essentially what would happen if you just isolated all the gross cinnamon jelly beans into one, disappointing package.
11. Mike and Ike
Like Hot Tamales, but with even less personality, somehow. They get bonus points for not tasting like gross cinnamon jelly, though.
Does this taste like honey? No, not really. Is it terrible? No, not really. Are you going to actually eat it? No, not really.
9. Unmarked Grandma Candies
These candies usually taste pretty good, if I’m being perfectly honest (grandmas have a penchant for butterscotch), but their lack of identification gives them zero identity amid the sea of Halloween goodies. Sadly, they are usually forgotten — which is fine, because they could probably outlast a nuclear apocalypse, along with all the cockroaches.
8. Now and Laters
Pro-tip: these candies are called “Now and Later” because you pop one in your mouth, and then twenty minutes later you’re like, “How the f*ck am I still eating this thing?”
7. Laffy Taffy
Chewy, sticky, and often banana-flavored. No thank you.
The “Only Eaten When All The Good Candy Is Gone” Group:
No, these candies aren’t THAT BAD. They’re just underwhelming — which, in the world of Halloween candy, is enough to separate the amateurs from the heavy hitters.
6. Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie Rolls aren’t even that offensive, they’re just astoundingly dull. If you want to eat candy that makes you feel like you’re living in the 1940s, though, have at ’em.
Smarties are certainly better-tasting than Necco Wafers — but that doesn’t negate the fact that they still taste like chalk.
4. Hershey’s Mini Chocolate Bars
Look, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that Hershey’s chocolate is really only passable when it’s complementing other ingredients (like nuts or caramel or literally anything else). On its own, it becomes painfully apparent that this “chocolate” is essentially melty brown plastic.
3. Peanut Butter Bars
While these hard candies taste pretty good, they look disturbingly like decaying flesh once they’re out of the wrapper. Which is festive for Halloween, I guess?
2. Junior Mints
I don’t care what Seinfeld says, these are glorified after dinner mints. While the combination is fairly refreshing, you can only eat so many before you realize that you’ve essentially been consuming chocolate-coated toothpaste.
It pains me to say this, but of all the gross and disappointing candies out there, Mounds is perhaps the most edible. Do I think coconut is a disgusting candy filling? Yes. But I understand that many people do not share this view, and actually find the combination to be incredibly appetizing. They are weirdos, yes — but majority rules.