For many of us, committing to an exercise routine is like committing to vague plans with friendly acquaintances: it takes a lot of advanced planning, and we’re probably just going to end up bailing at the last minute anyway.
Because of this, it’s important to dupe yourself into getting a physical workout without actually going though the exhaustive mental process of finding a gym or an exercise regimen. After all, we’re busy, modern women! We want a quick, easy fix, and we want it now!
Here are some fool-proof ways to sneakily incorporate more physical activity into your daily routine. Some might not be practical for your lifestyle, so it’s up to you to choose which of these surreptitious workouts will fit your needs.
If done correctly, you won’t even realize you’re exercising! You’ll just be like “Why the f*ck am I sweating so much?”
1. Place everything on the highest shelf.
There’s no better way to get a deep stretch than by placing all of your snack food on the top shelf in your pantry. How else are you supposed to motivate yourself to fully extend your arms and flex your calves — by reaching for nothing?? Put some Thin Mints in a hard-to-reach spot and you’ll notice the results in no time! Just remember: safety first. Never attempt a serious top-shelf cookie grab without a spotter.
2. Develop a fear of elevators.
Elevators are a great way to expedite your daily commute to the office. But you know what? They aren’t doing anything to sculpt and shape that tush of yours. By becoming irrationally afraid of elevators, you’ll have no choice but to take the stairs instead. You’ll probably be twenty minutes late every day, but hey, at least your gluteus maximus will be tight and toned!
3. Become unnecessarily clumsy.
If the thought of actually performing a set of squats makes you nauseated, force yourself to do them by constantly dropping sh*t on the floor that you need to immediately pick up. Soon, you’ll realize you had nothing to be afraid of when it comes to doing squats! You will probably destroy all of your possessions in the process, but a healthy body is worth the price.
4. Pretend you’re constantly being chased by zombies.
Fear is the most effective motivator when it comes to physical exertion. Why would anyone go for a jog for an extended period of time without the threat of actual death? While your neighbors might gawk at you for sprinting down the street and screaming, they’ll be eating their words when they see your bikini bod this summer.
5. Smear your toilet seat with honey.
Yet another clever way to repurpose items you already have in your pantry! Get the deep thigh burn of an extended wall-sit without actually mentally committing yourself to exercise by covering your toilet seat in honey. This way, you’ll have to squat over the toilet while you heed the call of nature — giving you great quadriceps AND an empty bladder! Win-win!
6. Place cinderblocks in front of your refrigerator.
Imagine you had to do some heavy lifting every time you prepared a meal or ate a snack. Your arms would probably look like Michelle Obama’s by now! Make this wish come true by blocking your fridge with heavy cinderblocks. Your roommates will be pissed, but they clearly aren’t committed to staying in shape.
7. Get a dog with a tiny bladder.
If you were forced to get up and go outside every time you tried to sit on the couch or lay down in bed, you’d be in great shape in no time! That’s why it helps to have an exercise buddy — and by “buddy,” I mean, “dog that needs to pee every 20 minutes.” This needy little companion will remind you to get off your butt and walk down your apartment stairs multiple times a day, thereby burning more calories than you ever would have otherwise.
8. Tape a bunch of Twinkies to your ceiling.
Combine delicious rewards with exercise by forcing yourself to jump for your treats! A similar concept to the “place everything on the tallest shelf” technique, this trick has the added benefit of forcing you to jump up and down — much like jumping jacks! And the best part is that after all of your hard work, you’ll be rewarded with delicious snack cakes. However, you’ll probably never be able to clean the cream filling off your ceiling.
9. Get a bunk bed without a ladder.
Beef up your weak and wimpy arms by forcing them to climb every single time you attempt to go to bed! After all, next to fear, sleep is an excellent motivator. You’ll be so eager to pass the f*ck out, you won’t think twice about hauling yourself up to the top bunk, leading to some pretty defined deltoids. Though, admittedly, this technique can fall somewhat flat once you realize that you could just as easily sleep on the bottom bunk …
10. Rip out your car battery and push it to the office.
Cars should probably just be called Fat Butt Machines, because they are definitely eliminating hours of valuable exercise from your daily routine. Solve this problem by turning your automobile into something useful — like a giant free weight! Simply rip out your car battery and push your vehicle all the way to work! It might take some practice before you get the hang of this grueling workout, but the rewards will be well worth the effort. Just be aware of frostbite in the winter!