looking forward to another halloween explaining i am not dressed up these are my normal clothes and this is my every day witch hat
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) October 31, 2016
On Saturday I was walking out to my Uber and my lady driver yelled CUTE!!! when she saw me can I rate higher than 5 stars?
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) October 31, 2016
soap and candle stores are disappointing places full of things that smell and look like food but aren't
— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) October 31, 2016
"THIS IS US" seems like a TV show with far too many emotions and I, for one, like to keep my distance from anything that allows me to feel.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) November 1, 2016
Everyone is scared on Halloween because rent is due the next day.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) November 1, 2016
Ok but which candidate has concrete proposals for what to do when a bird gets stuck inside an airport and is just flying around in there??
— Narsty Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) November 1, 2016
I know they say "be yourself," but I gave it a shot & it's massively stressful, so I'm going to be someone else from now on.
— ali waller (@imaliwaller) November 1, 2016
One thing about being in my 40s is that I refer to things as "recent" and mean "within the past 10 years."
— 💀JESSIE💀 (@NicCageMatch) October 31, 2016
you do not need to tell me you are engaged to your best friend i assumed you were close
— coolnormal (@christinefriar) October 31, 2016
Found a bunch of costumes for my kid. Now just need to find someone I love, who loves me that wants to have kids together.
— Mel Owens (@melowens) November 1, 2016
I have no idea how many calories I've had today
but I do know how many sandwiches I've had
— Kendra Cunningham (@theotherkendra) November 1, 2016
ALL emojis should look more like butts
— Alison Bennett (@bennettleigh) November 1, 2016
If I could simplify being an adult into 2 things: making sure you get paid and always thinking everyone is mad at you.
— nasty leah knauer (@LeahKnauer) November 1, 2016
As a kid, I never got how adults cried about good things. Now it's pretty much all I do.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 1, 2016
Cracked a filling this week but its cool, I packed it with a Butterfinger. Should be good for a few years.
— V. (@Lovestained555) November 2, 2016
Sure, Glamour named Bono 'Woman of the Year' but in their defense, the Transitions lenses do make him look like a 75 yr old lady from Miami
— beth loves cake,so (@bourgeoisalien) November 2, 2016
Is there a Rosetta Stone for Lindsay Lohan's new accent yet? I want to learn it.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) November 2, 2016
I like to end my day with a little glass of wine and a nice two-hour scream
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) November 2, 2016
I don't hold grudges. That's what the spreadsheet is for.
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) November 2, 2016
I saw a pair of sweatpants in the road like someone had chilled all the way out
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) November 3, 2016
Please stop calling this your "journey" Linda. You are selling leggings on Facebook
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) November 3, 2016
taking out my election nerves by pouring whole cups of coffee on tables
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) November 4, 2016
I don't take yoga classes but sometimes when I'm home alone I'll lie on the floor.
— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) November 4, 2016
Aaaaand one dude…
It's called forgetting the last verb of a sentence, maybe you've of it
— Michael, Cubs Fan (@Home_Halfway) November 4, 2016