For some reason, Starbucks cups are a thing people care about desperately.
Everyone lost their collective sh*t when a green holiday cup was announced, and people were equally perplexed when it seemed like Starbucks was going to release (*gasp*) MULTIPLE red holiday cups.
Well, fortunately, everyone’s heart palpitations can finally cease, because Starbucks has unveiled their dastardly plan for the 2016 holiday season: they are releasing thirteen different holiday-themed red cups.
Which is the Starbucks marketing equivalent of saying, “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, AMERICA??”
(For the record, I would like to point out that I correctly predicted this turn of events in a previous article, and I would like everyone to give me a dollar.)
The new cups were directly inspired by Starbucks’#RedCupContest in 2015, which encouraged customers to design their own cups after the intense public backlash following the infamous plain red cup design. The winning designs will now be featured on 12 different hot beverage cups, and one cold beverage cup.
While I appreciate the intense effort to cater to every possible demographic, I think Starbucks has perhaps gone a bit off the rails. They have bent to the will of psychotic coffee-drinkers who somehow think cup designs matter, and I feel like this whole situation has spiraled out of control. Will people get to choose cups, or will the cups be randomly dispensed? Either way, won’t customers find a way to whine about not getting the cup they wanted?
See, Starbucks, this is is a lose-lose situation. Perhaps, instead of desperately negotiating, it’s time you told all of these whiney coffee-drinkers to pour some scalding hot java down their pants.
Regardless, the 2016 holiday cups are here, whether you wanted them or not. Here are the designs you’ll be getting:
This valiant stag.
This ugly Christmas sweater.
A trippy, LSD-fueled version of Santa’s sleigh.
Some dangling ornaments.
Some … poinsettias? Snowflakes? Piles of leaves?
This gingerbread house ANARCHY.
This chill, non-denominational winter scene.
These irreparably-tangled Christmas lights.
This swirly … stuff. Whatever.
An entire wreath of candy canes.
Some more boring trees.
And this bird, sitting on a branch, surrounding by vaguely vaginal flowers.
This cold beverage cup will feature a more subtle design, which appears to be a pile of sticks, arranged in some wreath-like fashion.
I personally don’t understand any of this, but if the thought of cute, holiday-themed cups makes you giddy, then more power to you. Please enjoy the wintry pastoral scenes while you sip your Peppermint Mocha or Pumpkin Spice Latte.
As for me, I’m just going to sit back and wait for everyone to find a reason to complain about this!