Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

For some reason, Starbucks cups are a thing people care about desperately.

Everyone lost their collective sh*t when a green holiday cup was announced, and people were equally perplexed when it seemed like Starbucks was going to release (*gasp*) MULTIPLE red holiday cups.

Well, fortunately, everyone’s heart palpitations can finally cease, because Starbucks has unveiled their dastardly plan for the 2016 holiday season: they are releasing thirteen different holiday-themed red cups.

red holiday cups 2016 Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

Which is the Starbucks marketing equivalent of saying, “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, AMERICA??”

(For the record, I would like to point out that I correctly predicted this turn of events in a previous article, and I would like everyone to give me a dollar.)

The new cups were directly inspired by Starbucks’#RedCupContest in 2015, which encouraged customers to design their own cups after the intense public backlash following the infamous plain red cup design. The winning designs will now be featured on 12 different hot beverage cups, and one cold beverage cup.

While I appreciate the intense effort to cater to every possible demographic, I think Starbucks has perhaps gone a bit off the rails. They have bent to the will of psychotic coffee-drinkers who somehow think cup designs matter, and I feel like this whole situation has spiraled out of control. Will people get to choose cups, or will the cups be randomly dispensed? Either way, won’t customers find a way to whine about not getting the cup they wanted?

See, Starbucks, this is is a lose-lose situation. Perhaps, instead of desperately negotiating, it’s time you told all of these whiney coffee-drinkers to pour some scalding hot java down their pants.

Regardless, the 2016 holiday cups are here, whether you wanted them or not. Here are the designs you’ll be getting:

This valiant stag.

red holiday cups 2016 woodland deer Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

This ugly Christmas sweater.

red holiday cups 2016 snowflake sweater Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

A trippy, LSD-fueled version of Santa’s sleigh.

red holiday cups 2016 sleigh ride Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

Some dangling ornaments.

red holiday cups 2016 ornaments Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

Some … poinsettias? Snowflakes? Piles of leaves?

red holiday cups 2016 poinsettia Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

This gingerbread house ANARCHY.

red holiday cups 2016 love and joy Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

This chill, non-denominational winter scene.

red holiday cups 2016 evergreen forest Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

These irreparably-tangled Christmas lights.

red holiday cups 2016 holiday lights Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

This swirly … stuff. Whatever.

red holiday cups 2016 graphic swirls  Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

An entire wreath of candy canes.

red holiday cups 2016 candy canes Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

Some more boring trees.

red holiday cups 2016 birch forest Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

And this bird, sitting on a branch, surrounding by vaguely vaginal flowers.

red holiday cups 2016 birds  flowers Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

This cold beverage cup will feature a more subtle design, which appears to be a pile of sticks, arranged in some wreath-like fashion.

starbucks cold cup copy 1478732762 Starbucks Has 13 F*cking Holiday Cups And They Must Be Stopped

I personally don’t understand any of this, but if the thought of cute, holiday-themed cups makes you giddy, then more power to you. Please enjoy the wintry pastoral scenes while you sip your Peppermint Mocha or Pumpkin Spice Latte.

As for me, I’m just going to sit back and wait for everyone to find a reason to complain about this!

Related-ish: This Year’s Starbucks Holiday Cup Looks Like It Won’t Piss As Many People Off

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