I've never been more disappointed than thinking I like someone and then finding out they have a vanity license plate.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) November 7, 2016
You never hear of anyone numbing the pain with quinoa
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) November 9, 2016
in the future, we will have robots that can heat food up at an alarming rate and will also tell us the time. we will call them microwaves.
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) November 9, 2016
I think my dog understands the electoral college better than I do.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) November 9, 2016
Let's talk about something good. What's your favorite sandwich. I have so many.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) November 10, 2016
It’s a proven scientific fact that insults are 100x better when they’re spoken with a British accent.
— .::Freckles::. (@jojoposo) November 10, 2016
On track to gain 700 pounds during this presidency.
— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) November 10, 2016
Can't we all just go back to making poop jokes?
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) November 10, 2016
Guys, how do I get started enjoying this pot I hear so much about?
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) November 10, 2016
My period is going to be immense this month
— Baby Lady (@caitlinstasey) November 10, 2016
Congratulations to Kris Jenner on the birth of her new client.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 10, 2016
Better stock up on science books while they're still legal.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) November 9, 2016
I know everyone is upset about Trump but don't let it eclipse what really matters in this country-
Lindsay Lohan's new accent.
— Stevie Ryan (@StevieRyan) November 10, 2016
I WANNA BE A BETTER PERSON BUT FIRST I'M GONNA YELL AT PEOPLE
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 10, 2016
An adaptation of Pygmalia but it's just me learning how to eat a salad in public
— Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) November 10, 2016
Grateful to Rob and Chyna for naming their daughter "Dream Kardashian" because we all needed a good laugh this week
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) November 10, 2016
Good news everyone: I give up
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) November 11, 2016
My anal beads became prayer beads and an awkward visit to the ER.
— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) November 10, 2016
I imagine the first thing Melania said after touring the White House is, "Nice guest house."
— Erica (@SCbchbum) November 11, 2016
Okay so the things on my agenda today are to find a dress for this wedding and to not die of alcohol poisoning from day drinking.
— Catie Warren (@catie__warren) November 11, 2016
A small, significant blessing is that coffee has no calories
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) November 11, 2016
Nate Silver will now be known as Nate Bronze
— Ella Gale (@hellakale) November 9, 2016
ALERT: I'm in a room with a 20 year old who's never heard of Gillian Anderson.
— Mel Gabor (@melgabored) November 11, 2016
Aaaaand one dude…
To the man screaming outside my window: please keep it down. Also same.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) November 11, 2016