Guys often boast about their proficiency in bed, as though they are the ultimate judges of their sexual prowess.
Joke’s on you, guys: it takes two to tango, and if your tango partner isn’t impressed, then your tango skills are lacking. What I mean is, if your sexual partner isn’t getting their needs met, then how generous of a lover could you possibly be?
Fortunately, there’s an easy way to rectify the situation. Here are a few things that we, as women, would like you to stop doing when we’re in the boudoir. These tips may not make you an expert lover — but they’ll definitely ensure that every person in the room is having a much more pleasurable experience.
1. Blindly poking at our vaginas.
While I understand that the female sex organs are perhaps mystifying, that’s certainly no need to jab at my clitoris like it’s a bug you’re trying to squash. Take it easy, and be gentle. My vagina is attached to my body, and when you prod at it, it feels weird.
2. The whole surprise-nipple-biting thing.
Okay, yes, some people enjoy this — as long as they’re given a little bit of warning. But if you just haul off and nip at my breast (hard) without giving me some notice, it’s not sexy. It’s merely … alarming. Give me a heads up before you go Godzilla on my boob, please!
You know exactly what I’m talking about here. You’re going along at a perfectly delightful rhythm, when, all of a sudden, your partner just decides to go as fast as humanly possible. While there’s a certain sexiness to fast and dirty quickies, pounding for the sake of pounding just makes it seem like you’re rushing toward the finish line with zero regard to how your partner’s feeling. If you start doing this, there’s a 70% chance I’m just laying there, staring at the ceiling and waiting politely until you’re done — because there’s no way in hell I’m reaching orgasm.
4. Foregoing foreplay altogether.
Come on, man. At least seduce me a little bit — don’t just go straight for the intercourse. Foreplay is the overture, and sex is the show. Sure, you could have one without the other, but you’re much less likely to get a standing ovation.
5. Assuming we came just because you did.
I’m only going to say this once: sex doesn’t work for us in the same way it works for you. If you want a climax, it’s going to take some slightly more creative negotiation that simply pounding away. Also, it’s important to be attentive to whether or not we actually reach orgasm. Just because you’re sated doesn’t mean we saw fireworks. If that’s something you care about, then check with us. If that isn’t something you care about … then what are you even doing here? Get the hell out of my bed!
6. Pulling our hair — in the bad way.
Our hair tends to be longer than yours. We get it, it gets everywhere and it’s annoying. However, we’d really appreciate it if you were a tad more conscientious of our manes when you’re giving us a roll in the hay. It’s surprisingly easy to yank our hair without even realizing it — and there’s nothing that takes us out of the moment more quickly than unwelcome pain or discomfort.
7. Performing oral for a total of thirty seconds.
Please don’t assume that the key to oral sex is simply performing it at all. You’re not some grand keeper of cunnilingus that benevolently bestows this gift upon us for a few, brief, shining moments before stowing it away again. That’s not how this works. If you’re going to do it, do it right.
8. Pushing our heads down.
Aw, hell no. If you want a blow job, you can use your words to politely suggest the idea. Don’t just push our heads down toward your groin like we’re some sort of acquiescing sex doll. We’re about to put your genitals in our mouth — you probably don’t want to make us angry before that happens.
9. Being weird about period sex.
I understand that menstruation can be off-putting, and it’s not everybody’s “thing.” However, you’re being a tad childish if you think period sex is out of the question simply because you’re terrified by the inner workings of the female uterus. There are multiple tricks to making period sex an enjoyable and stress-free affair. Lay down some towels! Do it in the shower! Either way, don’t act like we’re icky and gross just because it’s that time of the month. If periods truly disgust you and you can’t bring yourselves to touch us, then you’re welcome to go have sex with someone who’s already gone through menopause.
10. Not asking questions.
This is easily the most important complaint. You know how when you “assume,” you make an “ass” of “u” and “me”? Well, that saying is doubly true in the case of coitus (particularly because there are typically at least two asses involved). If you’re blithely assuming that we like something just because we don’t say anything to the contrary, that’s not being an attentive partner. We’re often too shy or worried about embarrassing you to correct any of your behaviors, so there’s a slim chance we’ll broach the subject ourselves. Inviting mutual communication is an important part of good sex. After all, the only way you’re going to become “good” in bed is to learn what your partners want. And the best way to do that is to simply ask.