We all know that holidays are stressful, and Thanksgiving is right there with Christmas on the stress meter. Maybe even more so, because Thanksgiving is the time of year where everyone comes together. Everyone everyone, including those who have never made dinner before, much less cooked a turkey, that Uncle who scares you, that second cousin who smells like barley and won’t stop talking about politics.
At Thanksgiving, everything is carefully prepared: table, conversation, place settings, timing, menu. When one of those things goes wrong–or many, domino effect–it can ruin the whole vibe. Let’s listen in on some private, horrible, hilarious stories of Thanksgiving past.
1. Corn On the Sobber
The night before Thanksgiving 1984 I went through a drive-thru for a quick dinner, late. My purse was in my lap and I didn’t realize the strap had wrapped around the turn signal/windshield wiper stick. As I turned the circle, the strap snapped the stick clean off. We were to head to my parents’ the next morning, early, but we woke there were torrents of rain that did not let up the entire day. Without the windshield wipers, driving five hours was impossible, so we had to stay home: with absolutely nothing in the house to eat! -Lisa, 40
2. We Like The Boom
The time I was the only one to bring potatoes to Thanksgiving: a big recipe of scalloped potatoes in a Pyrex dish, and my brother was confident he could warm the dish on his electric stove top. BOOM! The tempered glass exploded into a gazillion splinters, while hungry potato-eaters implored if it might be possible to save even a tiny little bite. -Jillian, 40
3. Vomit Gravy
Met the family. Took a bite of turkey. Choked. Vomited in my hands…right in front of everyone. -Amber, 32
4. All Fired Up
“Turkey’s on fire.” “What, gramma?” “Turkey’s on fire. In there.” Gramma points to oven. I look, I scream, “Turkey’s on fire!” -Alexandra, 42
5. Pink Isn’t Just For Meat
Me flitting about my scrubbed clean apartment – crazy with nerves! Put the turkey in the oven- checked and double checked my times on all my sides. It’s my very first time hosting Thanksgiving and I’m doing it all by myself! 10 month old wakes up from nap… EYES STUCK SHUT- pink eye invaded the house! -Heather, 40
The time my father had WAY too much to drink (also the first time my sister and I had boyfriends present) and my dad insisted on taking a group picture and slung his arm over my sister’s boyfriends shoulders and started laughing uncontrollably. Because he has shat his pants. Which he then announced to everyone. -Sara, 41
7. The Skin Is Good, Too
Full house of family, the house was sweltering hot. It was my first time bringing the boyfriend to the family dinner, and my mom was very excited. When we all finally sat down to dinner, my mom said she was really hot and so she ripped off her shirt, and had dinner in her bra. Needless to say it was a very interesting thanksgiving dinner. -Heather, 42
8. Soy You Think You Like Gravy?
My alcoholic aunt came over one year to our house for thanksgiving and saw the gravy on the stove. She was already wasted, and said in a thick Boston accent, “This gravy isn’t daahk enough!” And then she dumped like half a bottle of soy sauce into it, ruining the gravy entirely. -Alison, 39
9. Aw, Nuts!
Having thanksgiving dinner years ago with husbands side of the family. They are loud and all talk over each other. Part way through dinner an uncle starts squirming in his seat. Blurts out “Arghh, my nuts are KILLING me!”. Silence at the table…. (He was not drunk). -Alia, 40
10. Yeast of Burden
When we were all sitting at the dinner table, and my grandmother struggled to find the medical term for “yeast infection,” so she proceeded to try and describe it, in detail. I have no recollection of what story she was trying to tell but it was awful. We all sat there in stunned silence for way too long while she talked, before someone could interject to make it stop. -Megs, 35
11. Ice, Ice, Baby
The first family Thanksgiving I hosted, my mother-in-law’s contribution to the meal was a bag of ice because she was so upset she was not hosting. It’s become a joke between my husband and I before any family event to grab the bag of ice before we leave. -Anon
The first Thanksgiving that my dad made a Tofurkey for the vegetarians, he didn’t read the cooking instructions. He roasted it as is, resulting in a rock that could barely be sawed into. Lots of gravy and lots of chewing that day. -Kim, 42
13. Shat’s Not Nice
Stupidly went on a 30-day cleanse that fell over Thanksgiving. Decide to indulge in all the Thanksgiving riches and it immediately sent me to the bathroom for a good 30 mins while my bowels are angry. During this time, asshole entitled millennial drunk brother-in-law steals all my poker chips from on-going poker game, tells his dad (my father-in-law) to suck his dick, and my husband proceeds to fight him in our living room where they put a sizeable hole in the wall. -Cheryl, 41
14. Bad Dog!
The brown doberman wolfed the pie. It puked pumpkin for two days. My beige carpet will never be the same. Neither will the dog. -Deb, 30
15. Party Like A Rock
Thanksgiving with no family. Went to a buddy’s house. He mishandled the oven to about 175 degrees. The thing cooked all day and into the evening. Alcohol and drugs were involved. We ate at 10 PM. -Timothy, 29