8 Commandments Of Having Sex When You’re Home For The Holidays

Ah, Thanksgiving break. It’s the time of the year that you get to go home and get spoiled by your parents like the Back Home Baller that you truly are. When you basically have a high school reunion at your local bar. (Bonus: You didn’t even have to deal with that annoying girl from your class who is trying to actually sell reunion tickets.) When you eat so much you cannot move off of the couch—not that you had plans to anyway. Most importantly, it’s that holiday you bring your significant other home to meet your parents.

If you’re serious enough to have them meet your parents, then you must be serious enough to get into each other’s pants at any available moment. After all, you’re home for Thanksgiving, not for Lent. An orgasm is the gift that keeps on giving (and receiving), so it’s important to keep that energy alive and well, regardless of whether your parents are just in the other room.

Here are 8 commandments to follow to make sure your sex tank is as full as your belly was after that Thanksgiving meal.

1. Thou shalt have lots of shower sex.

This is pretty much a no-brainer. The running water will help to filter any sounds you make and since no one really barges into a bathroom when it’s in use, you’re almost guaranteed safety. If your room is attached to the bathroom, well then, you’re pretty much golden. (That’s wordplay right there. Only the smart ones picked up on it.)

2. Thou shalt do it at rando times.

Whether you have to set your alarm, or just end up coming home super-late from the reunion/local bar, having sex at say, 3 a.m. can somewhat guarantee that your parents will be sleeping and be none the wiser…right?

3. Thou shalt make use of the basement.

Remember that place you used to hide your drinking (and OK, maybe also smoking) from your parents during your high school years? Well, now you’re a goddamn adult and it’s time to start having some sex down there! The staircase is inevitably really creaky, so you’ll have a good heads-up just in case.

4. Thou shalt be silent AF.

Look, if we even have to mention this, then you’re obviously not mature enough to be having sex in your parents’ house, OK? Keep the noise to a serious minimum, if at all. Make it like some kinky sex game on who can stay the most quiet. Winner gets to have a super-loud orgasm when you’re back home.

5. Thou shalt not overlook car sex as an option.

The wheels on the bus go round and round, and they do the same on a motherfucking car. So, hop on in it and drive somewhere to get it on. You can even choose the scenery for your bone sesh. Want the view of calming waters? Drive to the lake. Fall foliage more your thing? Get your asses to the park.

6. Thou shalt not do it in bed.

If you’re nervous to do it in your childhood twin bed because it’s A. kind of weird and B. a little creaky, then throw down your duvet and do it on the floor!

7. Thou shalt dispose of all evidence.

You’ve been living in freedom for a long time, so you may need to brush up on your own stealth-mode skills. When you had friends over for some beers without your parents knowledge, you put all those beers in a garbage bag and threw them in a dumpster somewhere in town. Well, it’s time to put on your 17-year-old cap again, because you cannot have condom wrappers just laying around or hanging out in a waste basket for Mommy or Daddy to find. Be smart and clean up after yourself.

8. Thou shalt not bring up past lovers.

Don’t casually mention that one time your FWB went down on you in the den or you banged on the kitchen island. Your partner doesn’t need to hear about all the sex you had in your parents’ house back in the day. And you don’t want to make it painful for them to do something as simple as drink a glass of O.J. in that same spot tomorrow morning.

Related-ish: Here’s Your Weekly Sex Horoscope For November 21-27

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