My friend requested a sugar-free gluten-free organic vegan pumpkin pie so I'm getting her a delicious corn tortilla.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) November 21, 2016
Some ppl show up to work on Monday ready to win. I just fell out of my desk chair looking for a Wheat Thin I dropped between my legs.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) November 21, 2016
It's only a matter of time until they start allowing emojis on birth certificates and you can name your baby "⚡️Maximus⚡️" or "Elle💞🌸"
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 21, 2016
Thank you, autocorrect, for changing pastries to panties. I’m going to be very popular this Thanksgiving.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) November 21, 2016
Corn nuts: like a construction site in your mouth
— Emmy Blotnick (@emmyblotnick) November 21, 2016
I love that I live in a world where Tila Tequila getting a presidential cabinet appointment would shock me exactly zero.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) November 21, 2016
i felt bad and so i ate something and now i feel worse: a memoir
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) November 21, 2016
This is a week where we're supposed to be thankful, not a week that makes me want to tell strangers online to gargle my balls.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 22, 2016
It's all fun and games until that girl you hated in high school shows up as a plus one to your friendsgiving
— tara (@TaraLevine_) November 22, 2016
Thanksgiving makeup tip: stay under the covers the whole time.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) November 22, 2016
Oh no. Is Tila Tequila gonna be the first female president?
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) November 21, 2016
I wanna lock one of these nazi boys in a room with my mother and see how long he lasts before crying
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 21, 2016
You'd think Facebook would stop showing me Gilmore Girls quizzes since I DESTROYED THEM ALL wow what a Lorelai thing to say
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) November 22, 2016
911 what's your emergen- YES HELLO MY SOCK IS FALLING DOWN INSIDE MY SHOE
— Arielle (@jewfacekilla) November 22, 2016
Those mannequin challenges are making me real horny. Keep em coming.
— Carolyn Busa (@misstoiletslave) November 22, 2016
If I'm googling pictures of young Richard Lewis I should probably leave the house more am I correct
— Hayley Campbell (@hayleycampbell) November 22, 2016
No lie, my mom just called him "Cayenne" West.
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) November 22, 2016
"I just wanna take this nice and sloooowwww."
-Usher ushering at a wedding for the first time
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) November 23, 2016
So how does one get a date is there a lottery or something
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) November 23, 2016
The older you are, the longer voicemail you leave.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) November 23, 2016
NIGHTMARE JOB: emotional accountant wherein I conduct audits to verify the amount of feelings a person expresses is substantially correct
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) November 26, 2016
If your version of "enough wine" is one bottle, I can't come to your home.
— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) November 26, 2016
I saw a greyhound wearing a coat and a miniature dachshund on my way to work this morning so I know today is going to be a good day
— Brittney Morgan (@brittneyplz) November 28, 2016
Aaaaand one dude…
My parents are drinking whiskey at 11am… Now I know where I get my functional alcoholism from
— taylor (@cornbreadsays) November 24, 2016