My bus stop attire for today included tiny gym shorts, wild hair, a parka, furry boots & my kids' embarrassed tears.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 29, 2016
shoutout to the guy who called my blanket scarf a "blarf." what a portmanteau
— chelsea (@cee_ryan) November 29, 2016
I one time told someone to take a chill pill and they got mad at me and I was like dude… did u even hear me..
— Amy Click (@amyclizabeth) November 29, 2016
Me: I should save as much money as possible
Also me: I am sick so I deserve this $13 candle
— Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle) November 29, 2016
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days-
Cry for 9 days straight
— Stevie Ryan (@StevieRyan) November 30, 2016
Time for my daily check-in on Instagram to make sure that there are still multiple raccoons that have better lives than I do!
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) November 30, 2016
Relationship tip: Instead of arguing, churn butter together. It releases rage. Plus, butter.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 29, 2016
As if things couldn't get worse, my neighbor is learning to play the RECORDER, an instrument there is no being good at
— Emmy Blotnick (@emmyblotnick) November 30, 2016
easily the best part of my day was eating hard boiled eggs over the garbage.
— Zoë Klar (@zoeklar) November 30, 2016
Saw the cutest toddler eat pizza with her mom & felt the deep, primal ache of a woman in her 30s who wants unrefined carbs of her very own.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) November 30, 2016
[doesn't know when to stop unwrapping the present]
ME: Thanks for all the wires!
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) November 30, 2016
FRIEND: hey turn that frown upside down
— erin chack (@ErinChack) November 30, 2016
I've decided 2017 is the year I get married. Which is funny because I said the same thing in 2016 and 2015 and 2014…and you get the point.
— Catie Warren (@catie__warren) November 30, 2016
For sale: inauguration pantsuit, never worn
— Sabrina (@SabrinaFon) November 30, 2016
Live each day to the fullest unless it's raining or you don't feel like it
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) November 30, 2016
They say whatevr u loved as a kid is what u shld do 4 a job which is why I'm pursuing a career in arguing w my dad over the last potato chip
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) December 1, 2016
glad the guy who ghosted & promptly got married enjoyed my instagram story
— Sarah Solomon (@sarahsolfails) December 1, 2016
[wakes up] ah yes, the gift of another day to waste
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) December 1, 2016
If you work in a Dr waiting room, which is tense by default, WHY would you put on The View? We're trapped in a disease box, have mercy
— The Snow Queen 👑❄💀 (@turkadoodle) December 1, 2016
Eddie Redmayne always looks like he's 1.5 minutes away from crying and I just want to offer him a bite of my sandwich or something
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) December 1, 2016
Just found out Buzz Aldrin has a Twitter account and am struggling to keep up.
— Naomi (@Blacktress) December 1, 2016
*waters plants with own tears*
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) December 1, 2016
sometimes I get jealous of actresses for their money and fame then I remember I get to eat carbs
— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) December 1, 2016
Aaaaaand one dude…
Once saw a large cannoli filled with a bunch of smaller cannolis, so yes I believe in God.
— Tim Duffy. (@TimDuffy) November 30, 2016