Every year, thousands of little kids pull out their best booger-stained paper and write nearly indecipherable letters to Santa. They ask for things like toy cars, dolls, and an iPhone 7 they can use to text gibberish to their fellow second graders. Most of the time, the letters are sweet and become adorable keepsakes for their parents. But, occasionally kids give us a real gift and write letters to Santa that are savage as hell.
Maybe they insult Santa or get entirely too demanding with their wish list. Either way, kids’ letters to the Big Guy are often an unintentional dose of comedy gold. Here, 14 of the most hilarious letters that prove kids hold nothing back—especially when they’re writing to Santa Claus.
1. This open threat.
Bring me a pony, or else.
2. This note from a kid who doesn’t have time for small talk.
We both know why I’m writing this letter. Cut the shit, Santa, and give me the goods.
3. This fat-shaming note that probably made Santa cry.
He doesn’t even get a drink to wash down the banana??
4. A letter from a kid who tries to buy love.
Don’t spend it all in one place, Santa.
5. This adorable expression of greed.
I just want a few things, okay? Just like 39 items. You know what, just start a special little elf committee to work solely on manufacturing my list of demands. It’s no big deal, really.
6. This backhanded attempt at flattery.
You don’t look a day over 85, Santa, and you wouldn’t believe how well that suit hides the cellulite.
7. This quiz from a skeptic.
Answer the fucking questions, Santa.
8. A notice that cash donations are acceptable.
Make it rain, Claus.
9. This request from a kid who’s totally onto you, Santa.
Uh, yeah, I’m gonna need explicit proof of your existence, so if you could just leave that for me, that’d be great.
10. This holiday fact-check.
Hey Santa, Siri says you’re old as shit.
11. This declaration of hatred.
You aren’t even real, you bastard. I hate your big, fake guts.
12. This note confusing Santa with Bill Gates.
Bring me a gold box, rich boy.
13. This inspiring confession.
Just needed you to know I like ’em real thick and juicy, but now that we’ve got that squared away, carry on, Big Guy.
14. This winning invitation.
Relax, Santa. Have a beer. Hell, have them all. You can’t get arrested for drunk sleigh-flying, can you?