The Bios For The New ‘Bachelor’ Contestants Are So Incredible It Hurts

While I have certain ethical issues with The Bachelor, and think it’s slightly problematic to have a bunch of women compete on a reality show where the grand prize is marriage, I can also appreciate the fact that the drama and the ridiculous contestants are kind of infectious. After all, if you’re going to have a guilty pleasure show, you might as well reach for the stars in terms of both the “guilt” and “pleasure” spectrums.

When ABC announced the new contestants for the upcoming season of The Bachelor (which airs January 2), I was somewhat reticent to read the bios of these 30 women. However, I am immensely happy that I gave in and looked at the individual questionnaires which potential contestants are required to fill out as part of their application.

Basically: if the Q&A portion of Miss Congeniality made you laugh, you will thoroughly enjoy these bios. Not only did almost every single woman say that she would like to be a dolphin, if given the chance, most of them also felt the need to divulge some particularly odd phobias. One of them said that her favorite author is Steve Harvey (yes, that Steve Harvey). These questionnaires are essentially a goldmine of absurd and confusing quirks and opinions — and it’s basically impossible to look away.

I would also like to note that the oldest contestant is only 31 years old, which is a full five years younger than Nick Viall, who is playing “The Bachelor” this season. In case you were concerned that sexism wasn’t alive and well. (But, come on, you’re reading about The Bachelor — you already know sexism is alive and well.)

Now please, be my guest and take a gander at the 30 contestants you’ll be watching (or ignoring) this season, and enjoy their myriad of eccentricities:

Alexis

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This 23-year-old from Secaucus, NJ is a self-described “aspiring dolphin trainer” (what does that mean? Does that mean you go out into the open sea and harass dolphins?), and says that her “most embarrassing moment” was when her ex-boyfriend told her she had a mustache at a Giants game. Her greatest fear is “E.T. the alien.”

Angela

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This 26-year-old model from Greenville, SC says that her worst dating memory is “a guy putting down the name as ‘Batman’ while we waited for a table. So immature.” (Sheesh, Angela, what if that was his way of telling you he was actually Batman??)

Astrid

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The 26-year-old Plastic Surgery Office Manager from Tampa, FL says the five things she can’t live without are “My mom, my phone, lashes, yoga, red wine.” (For the record, she is not the only contestant who said they could not live without their false eyelashes.) She also says that her greatest fear is “Dying alone and just getting old and wrinkly.”

Briana

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This 28-year-old Surgical Unit Nurse from Salt Lake City, UT says that, if she could be any animal, she would be a “Dolphin so I could breathe underwater, do flips and be cute.” (Someone should probably explain to her that dolphins do not have gills and therefore cannot breathe underwater.) The most outrageous thing she’s ever done? “Moved to Utah.” (You are a WILD WOMAN, Briana.)

Brittany

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The 26-year-old Travel Nurse from Santa Monica, CA says that the person she admires most in the world is Beyoncé, because “she is a strong, sexy, independent woman who can sing and dance like no other. Plus, she is a Virgo like me!” Her biggest date pet peeves are when he “is rude to servers or is on his phone.” (Same, honestly.)

Christen

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The 25-year-old Wedding Videographer from Tulsa, OK has one tattoo on her wrist, which she describes as “the life of Jesus in symbols.” If she could break one law without any repercussions, she says she would “break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.” (No comment.)

Corinne

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The 24-year-old Business Owner from Miami, FL says that if she could be any fictional character, she would be Snow White, because “I want to find my Prince Charming.” (Laying it on a little thick there, Corinne.)

Danielle L.

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This 27-year-old Small Business Owner from Los Angeles, CA has a butterfly tattoo on the back of each ankle, and says that the most outrageous thing she’s ever done was when she “climbed up on a cliff and swung from a rope on top of a waterfall jumping into the water. The sign said ‘Locals Only,’ but we did it anyways.” (So … trespassing, I guess?)

Danielle M.

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The 31-year-old Neonatal Nurse from Nashville, TN says that the five things in life that she can’t live without are “family, friends, water, chocolate, (and) green smoothies.” If she could break any law, with no repercussions, she says “Pretty sure there’s a law in Louisiana or Tennessee that states you can’t eat ice cream on the sidewalk or something weird like that. I’ll break that one.” (The law against eating ice cream on the sidewalk is actually in Carmel, NY.)

Dominique

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The 25-year-old Restaurant Server from Los Angeles, CA says that if she could have lunch with any three people, alive or dead, they would be “my grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus – and we’d be eating burritos from Chipotle.” (She also says that Chipotle burritos are one of the five things in life that she can’t live without.)

Elizabeth “Liz”

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This 29-year-old Doula from Las Vegas, NV says that if she never had to kill someone, she would be very happy (same!), that she is “openly” a Belieber, and that her guiltiest pleasure is “picking my nose while driving.” She also says that the sport of golf is “boring and angers me.”

Elizabeth

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The 24-year-old Marketing Manager from Dallas, TX says that if she could be someone else for the day, she would be “Kate Middleton or Britney Spears. Kate, because she’s a princess, duh! Britney, because she’s the queen, duh!” She also claims that “My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate.” (Duh!)

Hailey

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The 23-year-old photographer hails from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, says that, as far as phobias go, “I’m not into butterflies at all. Jumping bugs suck. Butterflies are a solid no for me though.” When asked whether she plans on having kids, she says, “Yes. Two would be great. A lot of things are made for families of four. Only children are strange.” (Oh yeah? Well, as an only child, I’m gonna sic a fleet of butterflies on you, Hailey!)

Ida Marie

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This 23-year-old Sales Manager from Harlingen, TX says that if she could be any kind of animal, she would be “a giraffe, duh! They are beautiful.” Her favorite snack is “Cheetos with a pickle” and her favorite book is, “I need to read more books.” (Ida Marie, just do what our President-elect does and say All Quiet On The Western Front!)

Jaimi

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The 28-year-old Chef from New Orleans, LA says that if she really wanted to impress a man, “depending on how much bigger he is than me, I could bench press him with my legs. It’s pretty exciting and surprising.” (Yes, I imagine he would definitely be surprised/scared.) When asked if she has any specific dietary restrictions, Jaimi says she is a “pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian. Just fish + bird, plus byproducts.” (Girl, you made that sh*t up.)

Jasmine B.

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This 25-year-old Flight Attendant from Tacoma, WA says that her favorite author is “Steve Harvey” (the host of Family Feud??) and that, if she could be one animal, she would be “an owl, so I could fly. Plus, they are so unique. They are the quietest and have superior eyes, wings and ears. I want to see and hear everything, even in the dark.”

Jasmine G.

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The 29-year-old Pro Basketball Dancer from San Francisco, CA says that, if she could be anyone else for a day, she would be “Guy Fieri. He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I’m the girl version.” (I actually spit out what I was drinking when I read this.) She says that if she won the lottery, the first thing she would do with her winnings would be to “buy socks because I can never find them! Then buy out a sports team.” (Sure, makes sense. Who else is going to wear all those socks?)

Josephine

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The 24-year-old Unemployed Nurse from Santa Cruz, CA says her biggest date fear is “bad breath and awkward kisser,” and that, if she were to be any fruit, she would be “something disgusting so nobody eats me!” (Well-played, Josephine.)

Kristina

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The 24-yer-old Dental Hygienist from Lexington, KY says that if she could be anyone else for the day, she would be “My biological mother. I’d like to know what she was going through when I was young and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it.” (I get that this is supposed to be poignant, but did you really just say you wanted to be in the body of an alcoholic for a day?)

Lacey

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This 25-year-old Digital Marketing Manager from Manhattan, NY says that her greatest accomplishment thus far is “graduating with a double degree and learning Arabic.” (Humble-brag. Just kidding, that’s great. But, really.) If she could have lunch with three people, she would choose “Shakespeare, JK Rowling, (and) Joe Jonas.” (That’s gonna be a weird lunch, Lacey.)

Lauren

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The 30-year-old Law School Graduate from Naples, FL says that, if she could be an animal, she would be “a dolphin because they are so cute and smart and they get to live in such a beautiful environment, under the sea!” (OH MY GOD, guys, we get it, you all love dolphins!)

Michelle

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This 24-year-old Food Truck Owner from Los Angeles, CA says that, if she could be any fictional character, she would be “Carrie Bradshaw – she’s loyal to her friends, has a big heart, and an amazing closet.” (Um, I agree with the closet bit, but Carrie Bradshaw is kind of a sh*tty friend.) If she wanted to impress a man, she says she would “take him kayaking because it’s one of my favorite hobbies.”

Olivia

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This 25-year-old Apparel Sales Representative from Nashville, TN says the most outrageous thing she ever did was “trying out for my high school football team and becoming the kicker.” (Okay, that’s actually kind of amazing.) Her greatest fears are “spiders and not being able to find love.” (Here’s hoping she never gets locked in a room full of spiders who don’t love her.)

Rachel

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The 31-year-old Attorney from Dallas, TX says that, when it comes to animal fears, she hates “things that fly (e.g. birds, grasshoppers).” She says that her biggest regret to date is “focusing too much on my career.” (Girl, HELL no.)

Raven

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The 25-year-old Fashion Boutique Owner from Hoxie, AR says that her favorite actor is “Brittany Murphy (when she was alive).” When asked if she’s afraid of aging, she says “No! Oh, I’m sure I’ll use cosmetic procedures to my advantage, but tastefully done.” (I mean, at least she’s honest. Also, thanks for reminding me that Brittany Murphy is dead, Raven.)

Sarah

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The 26-year-old Grade School Teacher from Newport Beach, CA says that if she could be any animal, she would be “A puppy! Or, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird right?” (Sorry, I just barfed all over myself.) The most romantic present she’s ever received was “A star named after me, just like in A Walk to Remember.” (Girl, lay off Nicholas Sparks.)

Susannah

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The 26-year-old Account Manager from San Diego, CA says that her greatest achievement to date is “flying to Europe on a whim with one of my best friends,” and that her most embarrassing moment was “when I tried to look sexy picking up a pen in front of my high school crush and banged my head into the table.” (Wait, is it possible to look sexy picking up a pen??)

Taylor

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The 23-year-old Mental Health Counselor from Seattle, WA says that the most romantic present she’s ever received was “a card, because I love words of affirmation.” (Damn, Taylor, you must be easy to shop for!) She says the most outrageous thing she’s ever done is “streaking.”

Vanessa

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This 29-year-old Special Education Teacher hails from Montreal, Quebec, Canada, and says that if she could be any fruit or vegetable, she would be “an onion, because they’re a stable item and can be found all year round.” (Vanessa, WHAT? You had literally every other fruit and vegetable to choose from!)

Whitney

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The 25-year-old Pilates Instructor, from Chanhassen, MN, says that, if she could be one person for a day, she would be “Gisele Bündchen/Brady because she has the reputation of being a really successful model and married to Tom Brady.” When asked to describe her feeling about theater, she says “I like going to movies but also fun to rent them at home.” (*Face palm*) When asked if she has any fears related to animals, her only response is simply, “Horses.” (I’m going to need some more details here, Whitney.)

An Actual Dolphin

dolphin

Let’s be honest — she’s got this contest in the bag. Especially considering the fact that all the other girls want to literally be her.

Related-ish: Why You’re Still Single Based On Your Zodiac Sign

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