If 2016 weren’t deplorable enough, we now have to reckon with the unwelcome reminder that “Christmas boobs” are still a reality.
Yes, that’s correct: I am sad to inform you all that the notion of decorating one’s bare breast with Christmas-themed pasties has become an actual trend, and is not, in fact, a horrible figment straight from the depths of Tacky Publicity Stunt Hell. It is real, it is garnering hashtags on social media and it must be stopped.
The whole fad seems to have taken pointers from one particular Etsy store, which specializes in “ugly sexy Christmas sweaters.”
The trend has unfortunately gained some traction this year, and I am here to denounce it with every fiber of my being — not because I’m against bare breasts (far from it), but because the whole thing is just astoundingly ugly and offends every single one of my aesthetic sensibilities. (For the record, I would also denounce culottes with the same fervor.)
If you are toying with the idea of possibly partaking in this “festive” fashion trend, then please read my plea below before you cut a gaping hole in your sweater and stick a pom-pom on your nipple.
Here are just a few reasons the “Christmas boob” trend makes no sense to me:
1. It’s f*cking winter.
You know — winter. Surely you’ve heard of it. Winter is the season which encompasses December, January and February and is renowned for being the coldest period of the year. In other words, I cannot fathom a worse month to decide that you should flop one of your breasts outside of your sweater. Sure, it’s a humorous gag, and will certainly make for a controversial holiday getup. But are you willing to literally freeze your tits off in order to make this festive “joke” a reality? If so, more power to you. I’m going to stay bundled up and cozy in my unsexy-yet-functional sweater, thank you very much.
2. You have chosen the least-attractive possible method of exposing your breast.
If you feel the need to remind everyone how gifted you are in the mammary region, why not squeeze into some cleavage-baring top like the rest of us? Why expose the semi-entirety of only one breast? I’m certainly not against a woman exposing her breasts if it’s her prerogative, but why not make an attempt to look classy while doing so? Wear a sheer top with no bra, or a mesh bodysuit that barely covers your nipples! I really don’t care how sexy you choose to be at your friend’s drunken Christmas party, but at least give your boobs the dignity of serving them up in something that’s remotely stylish! Stop meddling around in this weird grey area which somehow manages to be ugly, sexy, and confusing all at once.
3. Leave Rudolph and his red nose out of this, you savages.
Is nothing sacred anymore? I only barely understand why we collectively had to go and sexualize Santa Claus for the sake of holiday lingerie — but at least Santa is a human. Rudolph is a character inspired by a sweet Christmas song which is, at its core, aimed at children. The “Christmas boob” trend is the holiday equivalent of dressing up as a sexy Barney the dinosaur: funny for maybe five seconds, and increasingly perverse the longer you think about it.
4. You ruined what could have been a perfectly good sweater.
Here’s the thing: either you bought a pre-made version of this boob-tastic sweater on Etsy for a whopping $50, or you cut into a perfectly good sweater and made this Christmas abomination yourself. Either way, the lengths to which you have gone in order to expose your boob are truly astounding (and yes, I mean “astounding” in the bad way). Think of all of the useful things you could have been doing while you were feverishly hot-gluing tinsel onto your Christmas titty sweater! You could have done something that was actually beneficial to your life or the lives of others! But nope — you decide to work on the ugliest and tasteless craft project known to womankind.
5. You’re being “that person” at the Christmas party right now.
Look, far be it for me to criticize someone for wanting to be the toast of the holiday party, but … wearing half a sweater isn’t how you accomplish such a feat. I mean, what exactly are you trying to say with this bawdy fashion statement? If you’re trying to say, “I’m comfortable with my sexuality and weirdly feel the need to prove it on Christmas,” that’s great — but perhaps ask your host if exposing your boob would actually be appropriate for the event. I know it seems somehow anti-feminist to gently suggest that such a “fashion piece” is off-limits, but it’s hard to see such a shocking piece of clothing as anything other than a desperate plea for attention. It’s highly plausible that buying into this bizarre trend will earn you more glares than laughs. And honestly, you (and your breasts) deserve better. If you’re going to show your boobs, then by all means show your boobs — but there’s really no need to bring pasties and googly-eyes into the equation.