15 Totally R-Rated Holiday Cards For Couples

The holidays are the perfect time to share warm feelings, well wishes, and to let people know exactly what they mean to you. You could do this by spending weeks searching for the perfect gift, planning out a special surprise for your significant other, or writing out a long and sappy love letter. Or, you could take the easy road and surprise them with a totally inappropriate holiday card that lets them know you want to jingle their silver bells all the silent night long.

Whether you’ve been together forever or you just started knocking boots, there’s just something about a funny and flirty card that brings you closer together and gets your blood pumping. Here, 15 naughty holiday cards that let your honey know you want to do a lot more than just meet underneath the mistletoe.

1. This sexual MadLib.

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Let them know exactly what naughty thing you want. Or just write, “You have permission to clean my bathroom,” and ask them why they have such a dirty mind.

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2. A card that compliments their ornaments.

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You can hang your balls on my Christmas tree anytime.

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3. This card that offers an alternate route for, um, Santa.

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Always good to know that Santa is still flexible, even after all these years.

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4. This naughty Hanukkah card.


I thought you were supposed to spin it?

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5. A startling confession.

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That poor elf.

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6. This card that confuses Christmas with Mardi Gras.

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That’s a nice set of jingle bells you’ve got there.

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7. The new version of the 12 Days of Christmas.


12 orgasms? That’s a holiday surprise we can all get into.

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8. This card for someone who knows exactly what they want.

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Let’s do it for eight days and nights, baby.

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9. A card with an easy wish list.


Come to think of it, that Mariah Carey song would be a lot better if it included some sex and beer.

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10. A card that says it all with cute woodland creatures.

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Just another gratuitous beaver shot.

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11. A card that definitely belongs on the naughty list.

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Is that a peppermint stick in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

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12. This card that would make Santa blush.

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Hurry down my chimney tonight, Santa.

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13. A dirty play on our ugly sweater obsession.

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It’s the most pun-derful time of the year.

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14. This card that gets right to the point.

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Let’s put the elves to bed early tonight.

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15. The invitation they’ve been waiting for.

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It’s a date.

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