[3 WISE MEN]
man 1: here's gold
man 2: here's frankincense
man 3: here's Bill Murray
— leah knauer (@LeahKnauer) December 19, 2016
Don't have a real boyfriend? Just substitute him with cauliflower!
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) December 19, 2016
Can things be "topsy" without being "turvy"?
— Diane N. Sevenay (@Diane_7A) December 19, 2016
I just got new glasses with a slightly stronger prescription and now I can see your lies
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) December 19, 2016
Gods work includes utilizing the “see fewer posts like this” in your Instagram feed.
— Emily Bett Rickards (@EmilyBett) December 19, 2016
Who needs New Years resolutions when you can let yourself down any time of the year
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) December 20, 2016
Someday, I'd like to live in a world where gossip blogs refer to male celebs as "going makeup free" or "flaunting their toned pins."
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) December 20, 2016
The girl on House Hunters is moving to Russia in order to find a boyfriend. In case you were wondering what being single in America is like.
— Catie Warren (@catie__warren) December 21, 2016
Facebook thinks I really really really really really really really want one of those blankets that make your legs look like a mermaid tail.
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) December 21, 2016
As expected, my ovaries and I loved La La Land
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) December 21, 2016
[god making palm trees]
haha let's just give this tree a whole buncha delicious testicles idgaf
— sleigh-chelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) December 21, 2016
when you think you've found the perfect black sweater
AND THEN IT'S NAVY
— Gemma Correll (@gemmacorrell) December 21, 2016
You KNOW it's Mercury retrograde when people stop holding themselves accountable for being late & start blaming Mercury retrograde.
— Just Gwen (@msgwenl) December 19, 2016
I miss having the satisfaction of slamming down my phone on the receiver. Anyway, I just cracked my iPhone screen.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) December 22, 2016
My origami party gathers to fold paper, and I bring out nachos. Jerry bites into one and bitches that it's paper. Yeah, Jerry, it's origami.
— batkaren (@batkaren) December 22, 2016
Mall Santa: And what would you like for Christmas, little lady?
Me: [just starts making out with him] Say it again. Call me little.
— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) December 22, 2016
My bra is too tight and my fight or flight reaction is kicking in big time
— Jess (@jessokfine) December 22, 2016
Pretty Woman is a feminist fairytale about a young woman that does her job so well that she gets promoted to full-time.
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) December 20, 2016
"Wow, that's a great story. I will now tell you, in great detail, about a tangentially-related thing that happened to me."
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) December 21, 2016
My white noise machine is always set to "Husband Quietly Masturbating."
— Elizabeth Tippet (@eltippy) August 20, 2016
hubs & I are in the stage in marriage where we don't care about xmas presents. he said, 'just wrap up something in our house. i don't care'
— the war on bethmas (@bourgeoisalien) December 22, 2016
my sexual orientation is soft '70s-dad masculinity
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) December 22, 2016
Aaaaaand one dude…
Please stop forcing the women in chocolate commercials to look like they're about to fuck a piece of chocolate.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) December 19, 2016