Calories consumed in 2016 don't count in 2017.
4 days left. Make them count.
— Carmen Leslie (@CarmenDickman) December 28, 2016
It's easy as 1-2-3
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) December 26, 2016
The train made a sudden stop and I landed in the lap of the guy across from me, anyway long story short we're registered at Pottery Barn.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) December 28, 2016
Foosball is a fun game that combines soccer and Weekend at Bernies.
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) December 30, 2016
NEW New Year's Eve Tradition: Instead of kissing someone at midnight, find a cool dog to pet
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) December 28, 2016
My mom is dancing to Gloria Estefan by herself in the dining room in case anyone was wondering if you can do that without being hammered.
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) December 26, 2016
a free airline called Open Soars
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) December 28, 2016
I just need my goddamn niece to buckle down and start taking this Snoopy puzzle seriously
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) December 28, 2016
My brother goes to Harvard but you would never know bc my family has only mentioned it 47 times
— Katie Stone (@KatieStone42) December 27, 2016
I'm starting an app that sends someone to rob your enemies, I call it AirBnE
— Ella Gale (@hellakale) December 27, 2016
Me, findoming a dude: gimme your HBO Go login
Dude: omg yes mistress what else
Me: oh no that's it, that's all I want
— Emma Arnold (@iamaroadtrip) December 27, 2016
Im going to end the year with a Britney Spears type breakdown but instead of violently shaving my head I'll shave my asshole
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) December 28, 2016
"Just so you know, I don't usually do this.." -me brushing my teeth
— leah knauer (@LeahKnauer) December 28, 2016
New Year's Eve always makes me think deep thoughts like, 'I should wear more sequins' and 'Champagne is goooood.'
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) December 30, 2016
I took the “Are you a Mary or a Rhoda” quiz and it turns out I'm Carlton the doorman.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) December 29, 2016
No idea what the backs of my thighs look like and I hope to god I never find out.
— Mel Gabor (@melgabored) December 29, 2016
if a robot became sentient this past year, they'd probably be like "ehhhh not for me"
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 29, 2016
I always make New Year's resolutions so I can be the first person every year who's disappointed in me.
— LIV-ed thru 2016 (@liv_thatsme) December 29, 2016
took a few days off twitter and saw this thing 2day called a tree, and lemme tell u guys, I recommend popping 'see a tree' on ur bucket list
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) December 29, 2016
Dan Rather was just a stage name, his actual name is Steve Quite.
— Elle d'Lang Syne (@ElleOhHell) December 30, 2016
What if the wifi's like waaaay better in Hell?
— batkaren (@batkaren) December 30, 2016
Just heard a guy at Starbucks say to a crying baby "don't worry buddy it gets worst."
Happy new year!
— Giulia Rozzi (@GiuliaRozzi) December 30, 2016
Think of the shittiest person you know.
Their favorite cereal is grape nuts.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 30, 2016
Aaaaaaand one dude…
sometimes when I'm lonely I like to open the Uber app and just watch the cars
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 29, 2016