2016 was a bad year, and while we’d like to hope 2017 will be completely different and better, there are some people who keep reminding us that it’s going to be an uphill battle. Another week, another round-up of the people chipping away at our faith in humanity. These are the people who made us say ‘Aw, HELL naw!’ this week.
1. This 37-Year-Old Dude Who Got Kicked Out Of Starbucks For Hitting On A 16-Year-Old Barista
Lucas Werner, a 37-year-old Spokane, WA man, was banned from his local Starbucks after slipping the 16-year-old barista a note asking her on a date. To be clear, hitting on a barista who’s “not quite venti” is super creepy, but not something that usually earns you a spot on our list. The reason Lucas is here is because of the tantrum he threw on social media accusing Starbucks of “ageism.”
It reads in part:
“For those who would like to call them to complain about age difference discrimination on my behalf. In brief, a barista said I was funny and that she liked me, so I politely thanked her, sat down to drink my hot chocolate, wrote her a nice note, so as not to interrupt her work schedule asking her out to dinner if she was interested and walked out, happily thanking the friendly staff and wishing them a Merry Christmas.
When I returned yesterday, a Spokane Police Officer said the note was creepy, which it wasn’t, and asked me to not return because I was being banned. We already know this is because the barista was young and legal aged and I’m 37.”
My man, if you’re making a high school girl so uncomfortable she calls the police then you have lost the moral high ground. Let’s take a peek at another example of Lucas’s rock-solid logic:
Wait, we can’t eat wine or cheese without also dating creepy older dudes? Aw, HELL naw!
2. Smash Mouth
You may remember the late-’90s early-2000s band Smash Mouth as “the band with that one song from Shrek,” but now they’re mostly known as “the band who fights people on Twitter about Shrek and trolls people every time a celebrity dies”:
But what made us say “Aw, HELL Naw” this week was this exchange with a fan:
Not that giving oral sex isn’t something to be celebrated, there’s just something a little off about the public high five to a fan for going downtown to the song from Shrek. Also, I could personally do without the image of that Guy Fieri-looking motherfucker “smashing his mouth” on my downstairs. I’ve seen enough episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives—I’m all set.
3. Whichever Restaurant Boss Made Their Staff Sign This Bullshit
A redditor posted this agreement and said it was their cousin’s boss who made them sign it and fired someone who refused. Aw, HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NAW! First of all, you should never sign anything that lets management take more money from your paycheck. Secondly, servers deal with enough bullshit without worrying about losing their tips because they checked the time on their phone. Also, why can’t dudes have straws? Seems weird.
4. The Washington Post Express
Earlier this week, Express (the Washington Post’s free newspaper for D.C. metro riders) ran a cover story about the women’s march on Washington to protest Donald Trump’s inauguration. Unfortunately, when picking which gender symbol to put on the cover they chose the exact wrong one. YOU HAD ONE JOB! I mean, did they flip a coin only to have it come up “men” or something? To their credit they apologized in a tweet and treated us to a photoshopped version of what the cover would have looked like if it hadn’t been chosen by someone who gets confused by the “WALK”/”DON’T WALK” signs:
5. Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban
Don’t get me wrong, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are both beautiful national Australian treasures, but they revealed something truly horrifying this week. In an interview with The Moms, the couple admitted to having a secret code phrase for telling their kids they’re about to go have sex. Now, that would be bad enough on its own (we’re all for open and honest, but you don’t need to announce everything you do to your kids), but what makes it truly cringeworthy is what the phrase is. Are you sitting down? Are you not currently eating or drinking anything? Good.
Before Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have sex, they tell their kids, “Mommy and Daddy need to have kissy-kissy time.”
Honestly, it’s truly impressive how one of Hollywood’s sexiest couples can make sex sound so unsexy. Well done!