It's so amazing how people who never believed in psychics when they were alive will communicate with you through them when once they're dead
— Haley Sacks (@holisox) January 3, 2017
I'm writing a reboot of a reboot about a woman that writes a reboot that gets a reboot.
— Giulia Rozzi (@GiuliaRozzi) January 3, 2017
This year, I've decided to try & find something positive about myself each day… so here goes: I'm really good at being negative.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) January 3, 2017
my kid said something funny & vaguely political but I'm too afraid to tell anyone so I whispered it into a shoe and then threw the shoe away
— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 4, 2017
*during a mtg*
co-worker: any questions?
me: can we get soft-serve delivered to the office?
co-worker: please leave.
— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) January 3, 2017
Expand my horizons? Ew no thanks
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) January 4, 2017
We could've avoided this whole mess if we'd just agreed that the international symbol for women is 🍑.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) January 5, 2017
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) January 2, 2017
I once fell down the stairs with a kazoo in my mouth and inadvertently wrote Drakes next big hit.
— Cuntess Zoba (@Poutymcgee) January 1, 2017
I'm going to start doing race jokes, like talk about marathons and running groups
— The Weird Julie (@theweirdjulie) January 5, 2017
WHITE GIRL LEVEL UNLOCKED: just followed The Bachelor on Instagram
— leah knauer (@LeahKnauer) January 6, 2017
The plot twist in Young Pope is they keep cutting to this OLD pope in a black hat and we find out they're actually the same pope
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 5, 2017
30 Popes Under 30
— Rachel Sanders (@rachelysanders) January 5, 2017
Do you think cows are jealous of horses for their lifestyle or the other way around?
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) January 5, 2017
People at my job brush their teeth at lunch time and I brush my teeth when my BF begs me to
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) January 5, 2017
i've been saying "new year, new year" and no one has noticed & now i don't have to even try to better myself
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 5, 2017
whoever said "u made your bed, now u have to lie in it" never considered that u can GET OUT OF BED, like, sheets aren't that heavy u know
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) January 5, 2017
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
— Darlin' Darla (@Darlainky) January 5, 2017
Sorry I thought your after photo was your before photo
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) January 5, 2017
Some guy just liked 39 of my Facebook pictures in a row which is a weird way to find out he's jerking off to me.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) January 4, 2017
My Eat Pray Love is Vodka Wine Bourbon.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) January 5, 2017
There are 3 types of ppl in ur phone: ones u want to text, the ppl u actually text instead so u don't seem desperate to #1's, and ur mom
— Ali Segel (@OnlineAlison) January 5, 2017
Me: Ugh! I never get any time to myself!
Also me: Omg my kid is napping! I can finally do whatever I want!
*sits on phone for 2 hours*
— Lacey Nycole (@LaceyNycole) January 5, 2017
Aaaaand one dude…
The worst way to eat a cheeseburger is while crying into another man's coffin 😎
— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) January 5, 2017