As the first week of the new year comes to an end, we’ve been reassured (thus far) that things are going to be looking a lot better in 2017.
Not only are people kicking ass left and right, but we’ve found a whole slew of new products on Amazon that will have you switching to ‘incognito mode’ and whipping out your credit card in no time. That’s right, the Sinners of Amazon list is back and better than ever, so get to shopping.
PS: NSFW content ahead
1. Black 12 Inch Thick Realistic Suction Cup Waterproof Dildo
First up on our list this week is a monster of a dildo that measures a full 12 inches long. While this sounds beyond terrifying to someone of my stature, it’s apparently a hot buy on Amazon. The product review insists that it’s scientifically designed to “look like the real thing.” In what universe!?
Get it on Amazon for $31.96
2. NewMaxer Licking Massager
The next best-seller we’ve found this week is the NewMaxer Licking Massager. Yes, “licking.” The product is said to have 30 different vibration functions to “maximize your pleasure no matter what mood you are in! Whether you like slow and steady vibes or strong and quick pulses, you will be able to satisfy yourself every time.”
Get it on Amazon for $19.90
3. Novelty Penis Key Ring
So, I’m not going to lie I kind of actually want this for my keys. It’s cute and it expands like a slinky. Plus, no one will ever try to take my keys from me and I’ll always know which ones are mine.
Get it on Amazon for $5.00
4. Trophy Boy Tagless Brief
These trophy boy undies are quite the popular item on Amazon this week. They’re designed to show off the curvature of his “trophy piece” if you get what I mean. Although, I don’t think I could take any man seriously while he’s wearing these.
Get it on Amazon for $16.45
5. Ruffle Back Midnight Bow-Tie Panties
We also found that this pair of female backless undies are a hot buy for shoppers. According to the product description, these can be worn any time of day. “Whether it’s midnight, midday, or you’re just in the mood for some serious seduction, this is the perfect panty for pleasure.”
Get it on Amazon for $8.99
6. UTIMI Male Vibrating Oral Masturbator
Though this may look similar to a smart speaker or even a humidifier, it’s far from either of those products. It’s basically a fancy AF and also discrete-looking flesh light. I have to admit, this toy is significantly less assaulting to the eyes than some masturbators I’ve had the displeasure of coming across.
Get it on Amazon for $38.95
7. Liberator 24-Inch Wedge
Now I know what you’re thinking, $78 for a sex pillow is pretty fucking ridiculous. However, this isn’t any ordinary sex pillow. According to the product description, “patented intimacy cushion features a 27-degree angle to amplify every performance, ease every position and intensify every single sensation.The ergonomic design and flexible versatility will give you more sensitivity and greater stamina for longer sessions that will yield incredible results.” Well, okay then.
Get it on Amazon for $78.80
8. Rainbow Boobie Pops
Of course, we had to include something edible on our list this week. The rainbow boobie lollipop seemed only fitting, don’t you think? My favorite part about this is the catch phrase dialogue, “Fun to lick & suck!”
Get it on Amazon for $7.50
9. Silver and Grey Shades Mystery Bondage Kinky Kit
In anticipation of the latest 50 Shades movie hitting theaters this February, we’ve added one of the best-selling beginner bondage kits Amazon had to offer. This elegant, erotic kit includes alluring Masquerade Mask, Metal Handcuffs, Ben Wa balls, Personal Water-Based Lubricant, and the signature Grey Tie.
Get it on Amazon for $14.99
10. Nipple Nibblers Tingle Balm, Peppermint Mocha
This Nipple Nibblers Tingle Balm is exactly what it sounds like, a tingly enhancer for erotic nipple play. It’s said to “Heighten sensitivity to nipples with every touch.” Adding that one to the cart…
Get it on Amazon for $7.14
11. All Girl Hardcore Playing Cards
This product, while a little disturbing, is also pretty hilarious. Imagine whipping these cards out at the next house party you attend. They’ll guarantee a laugh, that’s for sure.
Get it on Amazon for $9.68
12. Novelty “Carpe Diem” socks
I seriously want to order at least a dozen pairs of these socks. Not only are they sassy and hilarious, but they’re also supposed to be soft AF and in this cold weather, that sounds amazing.
Get it on Amazon for $12.75
13. Riodong 3D Realistic Masturbator
Last, but certainly not least on this week’s list of deviant Amazon buys is this seemingly “realistic” fleshlight. The product is even complete with teeth, WTF? Why? Satisfied customers give the toy a 4.4 stars saying it’s by far their favorite sex toy.
Get it on Amazon for $23.49