If you woke up with a serious case of the Mondays today, it might be time to put things in perspective.
Here are some individuals who had a much rougher weekend than you did, and probably need a pretty stiff drink right about now — so stop your whining and just be thankful, mmkay?
… And then maybe laugh at their collective misfortune.
1. Martin Shkreli
The pharma-bro that everyone loves to hate seems hell-bent on maintaining relevancy at all costs. This weekend, Martin Shkreli’s Twitter account was suspended after Shkreli allegedly began harassing Teen Vogue writer and vocal Trump opponent, Lauren Duca.
It all started when Shkreli sent Duca a DM inviting her to be his “plus one” to Trump’s inauguration.
Following this exchange, in which Duca clearly sent out a “thanks, but no thanks,” Shkreli proceeded to troll the writer by changing his Twitter profile picture to a Photoshopped image of Duca and himself. He also changed the banner on his page to a collage of Duca photos.
Duca immediately took the harassment straight to Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey.
Shkreli’s Twitter account was subsequently suspended. When Shkreli attempted to contact Duca via Periscope, his Periscope account was temporarily suspended.
Somehow, it’s difficult to feel any sort of sympathy for Martin Shkreli, particularly when he gleefully harasses and trolls women. However, I think it’s safe to say that this particular boil of a human had a rougher weekend than most of us — for which we should all be thankful.
2. Jimmy Fallon
During last night’s broadcast of the Golden Globes, host Jimmy Fallon decided to be on trend and make some snarkly jokes about President-Elect Donald Trump. Fallon’s intro included such lines as “This is the Golden Globes, one of the few places left where America still honors the popular vote,” and “The show has so many plot twists and shocking moments. A lot of people have wondered what it would have been like if King Joffrey had lived. In 12 days we’ll find out…”
Seems pretty standard for the average awards show banter. The only snag? Everyone still remembers how Fallon essentially helped to normalize Trump’s candidacy when he famous tousled the Republican nominee’s hair on The Tonight Show.
Not surprisingly, Twitter is simply not having Fallon’s Trump jokes.
Sorry, Jimmy. Looks like the Twitterverse isn’t quite ready to forget your previous Trump-related transgressions just because you finally decided that it’s trendy to start denouncing him.
3. Monica Crowley
Trump’s recent pick for a top national security position, Monica Crowley, published a book in 2012 called What The (Bleep) Just Happened, which attempts to make the case that Barack Obama was a disastrous president during his first term. Over the weekend, however, an illuminating CNN report revealed over 50 discovered instances of plagiarism in Crowley’s book.
According to Jezebel, “Crowley’s intellectual thievery is mostly egregious and includes copying several phrases word-for-word from Politico, the Wall Street Journal, the New York Post, the Associated Press, the New York Times, and Yahoo News.”
Crowley also apparently drew some information from truly outlandish sources. According to the CNN report:
In one instance, Crowley lists a variety of so-called “pork” items she claimed were part of the 2009 stimulus package. Many of the instances were copied wholesale from a conservative list of pork barrel spending, with some items dating back to the 1990s. Most of the copied instances were listed on a website for a podiatrist dating back to 2004.
Yes. A podiatrist. As in, a foot doctor.
Sorry, Crowley. As much as the Trump campaign may brush away these recent reports, it’s clear that you were caught doing something that would have expelled most college students and fired any respected journalist.
While it’s difficult to feel sorry for Monica Crowley, I have no doubt that the woman probably needs a drink right now.
4. Tomi Lahren
In another Golden Globes-fueled incident (don’t you just love awards season??), conservative political commentator Tomi Lahren went off on an ill-advised Twitter rant on Sunday evening after actress Meryl Streep gave a speech which directly alluded to Donald Trump mocking a disabled reporter last year.
Lahren called Streep an “overrated” member of the “Hollywood elite” who was full of “liberal privilege.”
However, Lahren learned what happens when you mess with one of America’s most beloved actresses: you get burned. Twitter hosted a roasting of Tomi Lahren which was truly breathtaking to behold.
Although Tomi Lahren’s witchcraft has made her publicly impervious to the criticism of any individuals she deems to be “liberal snowflakes,” it’s clear that this particular pundit has certainly seen better weekends.
That’s what you get for playing with fire — I mean, Meryl.
5. David Blaine
If you forgot that David Blaine is still performing magic/stunts/bizarre performance art, then this one’s for you:
This weekend, David Blaine was performing a trick (?) at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas which is known as a “bullet catch”: essentially Blaine shoots a rifle at his head and attempts to catch the bullet in his mouth using a metal cup.
However, the metal cup allegedly shattered during the trick, leaving lacerations at the back of the performer’s throat.
“When the bullet struck the cup, there was a high-pitched ringing in my ears and I felt an impact on the back of my throat,” Blaine says during his show, Beyond Magic. “I was sure the bullet went right through my head and that I was dead. Suddenly I became aware of the pain and it brought me back. At that moment I realized that the mouth guard had shattered again, and I was alive.”
Blaine’s injuries are apparently minor — but I’m sure getting shot in the head is still unpleasant, regardless of whether or not you survive it.
(Editor’s note: I personally am fairly certain that this story is a hoax which is intended to keep audiences on tenterhooks while watching Blaine perform his stunts, and add an element of danger to his show. The man is a professional, and it is unlikely that he would actually risk the possibility of blowing his brains out in front of a live, paying audience. But, good for you for convincing all of the media that your illusions are real, David Blaine.)