just poured half of my glass of water into my houseplant even tho i'm thirsty & don't feel like getting up is this what love is
— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) January 9, 2017
V disappointing that the standalone act of walking into the gym doesn't immediately make you drop like 20 pounds.
— Catie Warren (@catie__warren) January 9, 2017
My Disney princess name would be Mozzarella.
— Krispy Taco Belle (@P0tterhead_394) January 9, 2017
If u wanna impress someone don't gift them a coffee mug with their face on it, instead tattoo a mug with their face on it on your face
— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) January 13, 2017
Me: I'll take a vodka please.
Flight Attendant: It's 9am.
Me: Oh, ok. I'll take an orange juice too then.
— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) January 12, 2017
I'm just a girl.
Standing in front of the spot on our counters where we dump all our crap.
Asking for everyone to put their stuff away.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) January 9, 2017
Hot singles in your area are getting a good night sleep because they're single.
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) January 13, 2017
I'm still writing 2016 on all my forged checks.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 9, 2017
Me: you never share you're feelings
Cut to boyfriend sharing feelings
Me: sorry I wasn't listening, I was thinking about my own feelings
— Giulia Rozzi (@GiuliaRozzi) January 10, 2017
Might have to start wearing a bra so I have something to burn.
— Annie Lederman (@annielederman) January 6, 2017
I categorize my gym bill as "Child Support" since I unwillingly give money to something with which I never intend to spend time.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) January 6, 2017
Sign my 2-yr-old watches too much YouTube: before performing a song on fisher price piano for me, he said "this is the ad."
— Shira 🍺-a Danan (@srdanan) January 8, 2017
I like to ask people if I can pet their dogs and then when they say yes respond "Good to know" and take off.
— Lauren Bans (@LaurenBans) January 4, 2017
Whole Foods is the Target of grocery stores.
— Alex George (@AlexGeorge5) January 13, 2017
The most impressive accomplishment in my entire life is the one time I went to CVS and spent under $20.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) January 9, 2017
Real Me: I'm going to write tonight
Realer Me: Maybe I'll just go online and look at things I can't afford until the laptop sets me on fire.
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) January 9, 2017
I have the kind of postpartum depression where I get really sad after one of my friends has a baby
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 10, 2017
Dating PSA: a stamped passport is not a personality
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) January 10, 2017
Slipped and said "my dick" instead of "his dick" in a bit tonight and honestly just the thought of having a dick gave me a power trip.
— LISA CURRY (@lisa_curry) January 10, 2017
Anyone want to help me chop wood for my neighbor? Axing for a friend
— Ella Gale (@hellakale) January 9, 2017
Me: I love the open concept. It's perfect.
Realtor: Ma'am, this is a sinkhole.
Me: I'll take it.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) January 11, 2017
what's your favorite movie about a lion king?
— Amanda (@mobydong) January 10, 2017
well the world is falling apart but on the bright side, i didn't cry in therapy today and i found a chopped salad i like. SO THERE'S THAT.
— Sachi Ezura (@misstrionics) January 11, 2017
Aaaaaaand one dude…
If someone dies on Mt. Everest, they usually just leave the body there.
That's how I'm going to run my new miniature golf course.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) January 8, 2017