A Breakdown Of The New ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Trailer By Someone Who’s Never Read The Books

I have never read a Fifty Shades of Grey book, nor have I seen the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. As far as I am aware, E.L. James has yet to receive a single dime from me. (Unless she has stock in certain sex toys that I’m unaware of.)

I say this not to brag, but rather to inform: I am a novice when it comes to the fandom surrounding this mom-core BDSM world. As such, I have very little perspective on the newly-released teaser trailer for the upcoming Fifty Shades Darker movie.

Upon first glance, it just seems like Dakota Johnson is committing a health code violation.

But, perhaps there’s more here. Everyone knows the best way to savor a complex and nuanced trailer such as this one is to break it down, scene by scene. Otherwise, how are you supposed to sufficiently appreciate the performances and the storyline??

So, let’s take a look at Fifty Shades Darker and see what nuggets of brilliance we can unearth:

First thing’s first. We open on the sexiest* city in the world, Seattle.

(*Will fact-check this statement later.)

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A man, who is apparently named “Christian Grey,” sits with his requisite romantic interest, “Anastasia Steele.” Both of these names are so heavy-handed that it makes it difficult for me to concentrate, so I’m just going to call them “Jamie Dornan” and “Dakota Johnson.”

Jamie Dornan is not happy about Dakota Johnson’s panties.

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I’m taking liberties when I say “not happy” — Dornan doesn’t actually appear to be capable of registering any true emotions. However, he demands that Dakota Johnson remove her underwear, so I’m led to believe that panties offend him in some way.

Dakota Johnson looks around, searching for a different man to have dinner with.

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She doesn’t find one, so she sighs and sets about taking off her panties in the middle of a restaurant.

They are the world’s easiest, most-removable panties.

Jamie and Dakota smile at one another, their eyes clearly indicating that they are both cold and dead inside.

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Jamie Dornan asks for the check. They’ve already eaten two half-glasses of champagne, and they’re both stuffed.

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In the elevator, Jamie drops something on the floor. He kneels down to pick it up. When he stands back up, he decides that the best place to put his hands after touching the floor/his shoe is Dakota Johnson’s vagina (or butt??).

His fingers are apparently cold. Dakota Johnson kind of wishes he had washed his hands first.

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Everyone in the elevator knows what’s happening, because … it’s not subtle. They strain towards the elevator doors in uncomfortable silence. They just want to get on with their lives. They didn’t ask to be part of this pussy-grabbin’ elevator ride.

Dakota Johnson tightens her hold on her purse. Jamie does the same.

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They leave the elevator, smiling with the vacant eyes of two people who may or may not loathe one another.

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Yep. After close inspection, this film is clearly on track to becoming a modern cinematic masterpiece.

Here’s hoping your Valentine’s Day is as uncomfortable and stilted as this squeamy — I mean, STEAMY — Fifty Shades Darker trailer.

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