I’ve never been one to have a clever comeback at the ready when someone insults me. Usually it comes about 5 minutes too late and I’m the only one who thinks it’s funny. This is probably why I respect the hell out of an ingenious clap back dropped at a moment’s notice.
Fortunately, Reddit decided to ask its users about the most epic comebacks they’ve ever witnessed and the responses did not disappoint. Get ready for some seriously gnarly burns.
1. Michellrice hit ’em right where it hurts.
My buddy told me this one that happened back in middle school. There was this huge douche who’s mom had recently gone to prison for tax evasion or something. Anyway, this douche walks over to my friend (they despised each other) and just out of nowhere calls him fat, to which my friend instantly and stoically replies:”it’s because my mom is home to cook dinner.”
2. Brianneaa was a sassy 7-year-old.
When I was 7, I was at a crowded McDonalds near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line waiting to order food and accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids.
She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice ‘Well excuuuuse me.” to which my 7 year old self instantly responded: “Why, did you fart?” A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told off by a 7 year old.
3. dingus03 witnessed the most epic comeback a teen could ever imagine.
I worked in a Tim Hortons when I was 15, and this guy Mackenzie was working the till and I was pouring the coffees. So this dude and his girl come up, and she says she just wants a small coffee. Boyfriend cuts her off, and basically says the equivalent of ignore her get her a large. She’s clearly embarrassed, and says she really only wants a small. Boyfriend calls her an idiot (not in a teasing way, like straight up called her an idiot) and told us not to pay attention to her and told her what she wanted didn’t matter.
God damn Mackenzie looks this boy in the eye with all the ire and tired sarcasm of a 19 year old boy wearing non slip shoes and working for 8 hours in a coffee shop and says ‘Is this a regular thing in your relationship, saying large when you really are talking about something small?’
I almost had a stroke trying not to laugh, the girlfriend’s snickering quietly, the guy behind the couple in line is losing his damn mind. And the boyfriend didn’t get it. He just gave us a funny look and kinda shrugged.
4. Bobbeiler‘s ex-girlfriend spits fire.
Sprayed an ex girlfriend with a squirt gun and she immediately fired back with “6 months of dating and this is the first time you got me wet”
There is no comeback for that.
5. junkcorps‘ coworker is clever AF.
Guy loves to taunt his coworker about his rapidly receding hairline. He runs a hand over coworker’s bald head and says “Feels just like my wife’s ass.” Bald coworker runs a hand over his own head and says “My God, so it does.”
6. TheStonedFox‘s sister is a savage.
In high school I found out that I share my birthday with both the beacon of manliness Steve McQueen and legendary illusionist Harry Houdini. I got excited, insisting that this coincidence meant I must share some of their defining characteristics. In response to this idea, my older sister suggested…
“Well, that would certainly account for your rapidly vanishing masculinity.”
7. We wish we could’ve witnessed the burn Sandrabor overheard.
At a convenience store
Nasty woman was rude to the Old Guy at counter.
Some cool dude: “Hey, there’s no need for that”
Woman: “Mind your own F’n business”
Dude: “I’m a veterinarian and bitches are my business”
8. Dayum, QueenCobalt.
Friend needed my phone to call his mom
“Just hit redial”
9. Yes, JudiSchlueter John was a legend indeed.
Reporter: They think your haircuts are un-American. John Lennon: Well, that was very observant of them because we aren’t American.
10. RobinsEggTea knows some brutal 5th graders.
Someone told a story on Reddit once about a kid in, like, grade 5 who was being heckled by his classmates when one of them shouted the golden classic, “Why are you so fat?” And before the teacher could jump in he snapped back, “Because everytime I fuck your mom she gives me a cookie”.
I believe it has achieved urban legend status.
11. What junior high did levir03 go to?
In junior high school our bus driver told a kid he was going to kick him off the bus. Rhetorically, the bus driver asked him how he would get to school then. The kid immediately replied “I’ll ride your wife to school.”
12. Chavanau, I’m totally going to save that for later.
Fake bitch: Does it bother you that nobody likes you? Geeky kid: Does it bother you that your face doesn’t match the color of your neck?
Hardest I’ve ever seen a teacher laugh
This short guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking shit on my brother for being tall (6’4″) for some reason, saying stuff like “oh big tall man over here look at you aren’t you special” etc. My brother responded with, “Dude, I was your height. It wasn’t that great”
14. Patriciaates, that’s pretty damn clever.
My friends mom works in a jail, and they had a black woman who would not stop calling the authorities crackers. The woman is told if she says the word cracker one more time she is getting detained or something like that. “Alright fine, Saltine American.”
15. Chaschmond‘s mom clapped TF back at that creeper.
My mom used to own a hair salon right next to a bar. One night she and a lady who worked for her were closing up the salon and walking in the parking lot and a drunk guy yelled, “Hey baby, why don’t you come over here and sit on my face?” My mom’s employee didn’t miss a beat and said, “Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?”
He was not pleased.