ate 50% off sushi because I like testing the limits of my own mortality
— Samantha Jayne (@samanthajayne) February 7, 2017
"Fuck you mean I'm not badass anymore?!" I ask, sipping my sleepy time tea, pausing to make an expression of distaste at its bitterness.
— batkaren (@batkaren) February 8, 2017
I looked up the official definition of "woke" on Urban Dictionary, which is the first indicator that I am not yet ready to use it.
— Mel Owens (@melowens) February 8, 2017
I am very much looking forward to giving up
— Hannah Boone (@boonecomedy) February 8, 2017
Living alone is amazing for example you can choke to death and no one is there to help you
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) February 8, 2017
Stages of eating Girl Scout cookies:
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 8, 2017
Working in office = working
Working from home = having 7 cups of coffee and spiraling into a deep depression without ever getting out of bed
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) February 8, 2017
wow, no one even showed up to my pity party, I'm such a loser
— leah knauer (@LeahKnauer) February 8, 2017
Cash Me Ousside girl is the mini boss we need to defeat before Trump.
— Princess Anús (@Slashleen) February 10, 2017
Damn boi are you old yoga pants? Cuz I can see right through you
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) February 8, 2017
My dog stole a 16 oz. block of cheddar cheese off the counter and ate most of it under the dining room table. Like mother, like son.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 9, 2017
My snow angel looks more like a fat fuck fell in the snow
— Kendra Cunningham (@theotherkendra) February 9, 2017
I wish it snowed every day that way I wouldn’t have to bury anything.
— Stacey Nightmare (@STACEYNIGHTMARE) February 9, 2017
Let's simplify things, instead of a chicken that lays eggs give me a chicken that lays fully cooked rotisserie chickens
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 9, 2017
i am ready to be a plant mom
— Ali Segel (@OnlineAlison) February 9, 2017
It's possible I should have bought more than wine and avocados when blizzard food shopping.
— Alie Martell (@aliemartell) February 9, 2017
want to get a "Nevertheless, She Persisted" tattoo but also want to be able to donate blood when the second Civil War breaks out
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) February 9, 2017
*look at twitter for the first time in hours*
Welp the world is burning
— Sarah Solomon (@sarahsolfails) February 9, 2017
The words "hungry" and "angry" are too close for my dog, so if you ask her "are you angry?" she wiggles in affirmation.
— Alison Bennett (@bennettleigh) February 10, 2017
My dad hates 3 things: tuna, peanut butter and most other things
— Laura Jayne Martin (@laurajaynemart) February 10, 2017
My greatest source of anxiety is songs with a siren sound effect.
— Giulia Rozzi (@GiuliaRozzi) February 10, 2017
Good morning. Owls are cats of the sky, seals are dogs of the ocean, lighthouses are a candle you live inside, turtles are helmets with legs
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) February 10, 2017
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 6, 2017
Aaaaand one dude…
I just want to fuck bitches, get money and see The LEGO: Batman Movie.
— Langston Kerman (@LangstonKerman) February 9, 2017