Hold up. Garfield doesn't work OR go to school. Why the deep Monday hatred?!?
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 13, 2017
The best anti-depressant is never checking the internet.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 12, 2017
people feel worse for me when they find out I once worked at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co in Times Square than when I tell them a family member died
— Bez (@Bez) February 13, 2017
It's my seventeen year anniversary of forgetting I left a Diet Coke in the freezer of the work fridge of a temp job I had for one day.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 13, 2017
A nameplate necklace that says "Help"
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) February 13, 2017
Got broken up with and then my rose quartz crystal broke, but kinda my fault considering I was counting on a rose quartz to help find love.
— Teresa Lee (@leresatee) February 14, 2017
let's stop calling woman "basic bitches" and instead call them "average assholes"
— Laura G. (@lgbk44) February 10, 2017
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE: I wasted too much of my life wishing I was a Sophia instead of loving myself for being a Rose.
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) February 14, 2017
people who try to show off vocal abilities during the happy birthday song are bad at sex.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) February 13, 2017
BUSINESS TIP: If you accidentally sign a work email "xoxo" just write back & say u meant it in the tic tac toe way not the hugs & kisses way
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) February 14, 2017
you should be able to just text 👻 and never have to talk to that person again
— failing farah brook (@farahbrook) February 15, 2017
As I take my mom to the ER, she manages to croak "you need to buy some bigger pants, your butt's hanging out." She's gonna be fine.
— Naomi (@Blacktress) February 15, 2017
If you love someone, let them down.
— Bez (@Bez) February 15, 2017
Millennials may always be on their phones but at least we don't have 783 unread emails like some psychopath
— Erica Spera (@Spericaa) February 14, 2017
What I wouldn't give to have my fingers chewed on by little puppy needle teeth right now
— TheWretchedRefuse (@HalleKiefer) February 15, 2017
Tell your man that if he's unwilling to try male birth control he should at least rub a black cat on his balls before sex for bad luck
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 16, 2017
a lot of people say dogs look like their owners (my dog takes his food into the closet to eat in shame)
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) February 11, 2017
No one likes karaoke as much as the people who know the harmony part.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) February 16, 2017
If you love someone, let them go
down on you.
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) February 15, 2017
I'd like to share with you all the glimmer of hope I experienced tonight: rhubarb vodka.
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) February 15, 2017
The Finnish word for getting drunk in your underwear at home is "kalsarikännit," which is oddly also their word for "Kendra."
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) February 15, 2017
Nothing says romance like watching The Affair season finale alone while your boyfriend goes to buy more weed.
— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) February 15, 2017
I just ate something so delicious that it scared me a little.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) February 17, 2017
Aaaaaaand one dude…
Active volcanoes are like regular volcanoes except they do crossfit and hike and stuff.
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) February 17, 2017