Today is Justin Bieber‘s 23rd birthday, and, as such, I felt it was only appropriate to sit back and reminisce about some of the valuable life experiences that Bieber has accrued during his 23 years on this planet. Sure, he’s made (many) mistakes — but birthdays offer the opportunity for renewal and resolutions.
Here are some lessons that I (sincerely) hope Bieber has learned, now that he’s a 23-year-old. Because if you can’t learn from your mistakes, then you’re nothing but a spoiled, pop star man-child.
Oh wait …
1. Don’t talk about abortion and rape during an interview.
During a 2011 interview with Rolling Stone, Bieber said that he didn’t believe in abortion, because he thought it was “like killing a baby.” When asked if he supported abortion in the case of rape, Bieber responded with, “Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason.” Not surprisingly, people were pissed at the teen’s flippant remarks.
2. You should always think carefully before writing in the guest book at the Anne Frank house.
In 2013, Bieber visited the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam. After touring the house, Bieber wrote in the guest book,“Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.”
Oh my god, Justin, you had one job to do, which was to write something genuine and sorrowful, and you somehow managed to screw that up with this weirdly narcissistic self-promotion.
3. It’s usually a bad idea to punch strangers in the face.
I feel like this lie lesson should be obvious.
4. Owning exotic animals is kind of obnoxious.
Justin Bieber attempted to travel within Germany accompanied by a pet capuchin monkey (like some sort of evil aristocrat). However, he failed to file the proper paperwork, so the monkey was seized by local officials and held at an animal shelter. Bieber made it clear that he was not going to return for the animal. Once he was back in the states, he mused about getting a second monkey.
The cycle of douchebaggery never ends.
5. DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE.
In 2014, Bieber was arrested by Miami Beach Police for drag racing and driving under the influence of alcohol and pills.
COOL, YEAH, STOP DOING THAT, JUSTIN.
6. Egging your neighbor’s house is a dick move.
Justin was detained in 2014 after allegedly egging his neighbors house and causing thousands of dollars in damage. The incident ultimately resulted in a misdemeanor, but was still immature as hell.
7. Maybe don’t take your clothes off in public.
In 2014, during a live broadcast of CBS’ “Fashion Rocks” event, Bieber walked onstage with model Lara Stone to present the next segment of the show. However, Bieber had other plans in mind. “I actually don’t feel comfortable unless I’m in my Calvins,” Bieber told Stone, before stripping down to his boxer briefs. While there were some cheers in the crowd, they were drowned out by audience members booing the pop star’s striptease.
8. You can’t cancel a show after only performing one song.
Bieber became incensed when an excited fan spilled water on the edge of the stage during one of his Oslo performances in 2015. The fans around the stage were apparently so raucous (and grabby) that Bieber was unable to clean up the spill, and walked offstage in a huff, canceling the concert.
Yes, Justin. Teenage girls can be annoying. But welcome to your demographic, dude.
9. If you go outside, maybe put on some underwear?
I’m just saying, Justin’s been caught outside in the buff several times now, and it’s almost starting to get annoying. Like, yes: you’re a tiny, muscular man, adored by teenage girls around the globe. But put some damn shorts on. You’re not Orlando Bloom.
10. But seriously, don’t spit on people.
The photos of Justin reportedly spitting on his fans from a balcony in 2013 have been hotly contested by the singer himself. But, judging from his subsequent behavior, it doesn’t seem that far off-base, sadly. Helpful tip: don’t expectorate on your fans, bro. Or anybody, for that matter.
11. If you f*ck up a relationship, let the other person move on.
In the years since his split with on-again-off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez, it seems like Bieber has never really gotten over the breakup. When Gomez became involved with The Weeknd, Bieber started trolling the other artist by posting shady Instagrams and talking shit.
Bieber also allegedly told sources that he believes Selena is using The Weeknd for promotional reasons, and that she did the same thing when she was still dating Justin.
Hey, you know what’s really classy? Letting your ex live their live and refraining from publicly talking smack about them and their new relationships.
12. Chanel is not spelled “Channel”
You’re literally wearing the brand. If you’re going to Instagram it, spell that shit correctly.