My high school arch nemesis asked if I got breast implants…
Feminist in me: OF COURSE NOT!
Non-Feminist in me: I WIN!
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) March 29, 2017
signal to the bartender that you are not finished with your beer by putting a baby sea turtle on top
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) March 24, 2017
My friend and I made plans to go to brunch and just had to pick a place. That was 9 years ago.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) March 25, 2017
Can everyone please leave the gym so I can try and do a pull up?
— Desi (@DesiJed) March 26, 2017
Just stopped at a yellow light if you're wondering how much I'm procrastinating getting to the gym.
— Kristen Carney (@KristenCarney) March 29, 2017
Spring is officially here because I mowed my legs.
— Kim Holcomb (@kimholcomb) March 27, 2017
"do you need a hair tie?" – me pretending i'm jesus
— steph (@stephsstone) March 31, 2017
Let's just all agree that when you ride a plane you have to dress up. I'm talking top hats. On BOTH legs.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) March 27, 2017
[me watching HGTV on my period]
I don't even care if they love it or list it , i just hope they're happy as a family
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 31, 2017
i like you, but i'm not sure if i 62-hours-of-game-of-thrones-catch-up-so-we-can-watch-it-together-when-new-episodes-are-back like you
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) March 30, 2017
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
— Jessie Not A Guy (@NicCageMatch) March 31, 2017
[makes a split-second decision without overthinking it for days]
I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 28, 2017
Left bag w/my passport on a train
Me: Only solution to this is to kill myself
Husband: Let's call the station
Me: I don't know about that
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) March 25, 2017
Sometimes when I have sex I close my eyes and fantasize about fucking myself
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) March 27, 2017
Oh shit, this TV character just took a pill more than one time.
— Shira Danan (@srdanan) March 31, 2017
There's a woman I am acquainted with that I dislike so passionately that it makes me want to thank her for distracting me from depression.
— lady broseph (@ladybroseph) March 30, 2017
Do you think Gwyneth says, "goops!" when she drops something?
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) March 29, 2017
is it anti woman that my boyfriend wont let me use tinder to crowdfund my therapy
— crissy (@crissymilazzo) March 31, 2017
Aaaaaand one dude
Sometimes a package doesn't have a picture of scissors by the dotted line, and I start going at it with a spoon, a cup, a flashlight, twine.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) March 28, 2017