As a woman, every interaction with a man feels like the beginning of a rom com or my murder.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) April 6, 2017
I love shoes because no matter what I eat I'm always a size 6.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) April 7, 2017
Going to therapy soon you guys need anything?
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) April 6, 2017
ME: Ok, congressmen. Name At least two organs that make up the female reproductive system
Congressmen: Vagina & Tits
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) April 6, 2017
My 5yo would rather murder your whole family than find out she got less ice cream than someone at the table.
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) April 6, 2017
My therapist wants me to have a hobby. Like screaming into the void isn't a hobby?
— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) April 5, 2017
There is a specific shame you get from not being able to pee enough at the doctor's office. Right up there with getting hiccups at a funeral
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 5, 2017
I like how celery has dental floss built right in.
— Marta Effing Ketchup (@MartaEffing) April 1, 2017
Being a parent is the greatest thing ever besides sleeping in, day drinking, and free time.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) April 2, 2017
I bet whenever Samuel L. Jackson types an "M" his phone automatically says "motherfucker"
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) April 6, 2017
Wore the same pair of sweatpants to work three days in a row because there's no reason a cry for help can't be comfortable
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 7, 2017
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 6, 2017
I've thrown away more avocados than I've ever eaten.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) April 6, 2017
Take something you were going to throw away. Now spend a bunch of money to make it something else.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) April 6, 2017
My 6yo got herself dressed then walked around the house making us all sign a paper agreeing that her outfit looked good.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 7, 2017
My house would be a lot cleaner if my family didn't live here.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 3, 2017