When I die, don't scatter my ashes somewhere peaceful. Leave me somewhere that ruins everyone's day, like the Starbucks milk/sugar station.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) April 21, 2017
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
An exciting aspect of any new relationship is quietly deciding what clothes you're gonna make him throw away
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) April 17, 2017
Men's Sizes: 32" waist, 33" length
Women's Sizes: I'm usually an 8 but at The Gap, H&M and the third full moon of the solstice I'm a 12
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) April 18, 2017
Got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes Easter grass and discounted Peeps!
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 17, 2017
I don't want kids but on lonely Friday nights like these it would be kind of nice to breast feed something
— Ali Segel (@OnlineAlison) April 15, 2017
i'm wearing enough lipgloss today to make people question the kind of relationship i have with my father
— the blowout (@theblowout) April 17, 2017
the meanest text a person can write is: K
— Lauren Lapkus 🍰 (@laurenlapkus) April 19, 2017
Maybe girls keep trying to change you because you're terrible
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) April 18, 2016
It was Take Your Kid To Work Day and Bob's pitch was tanking, but then his daughter raised her hand.
— how the Unicorn Frappucino was born
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 19, 2017
If this plane goes down please remember me as one who, above all else, simply adored cancelling and being cancelled on
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 19, 2017
I wish I were a little bit smaller/I wish I weren't a bawler/I wish I had a dog with a good-looking collar
— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 20, 2017
Business idea: a woman's clothing store called 'Thanks It Has Pockets' where all the clothes have pockets.
— Hayley Russell (@honestlyrussell) April 19, 2017
I just want my life to look good enough from the outside that at least one person has looked at my instagram and muttered "stupid bitch."
— Rachel Fisher (@TheRachelFisher) April 18, 2017
and on the third day, jesus rose and no one really noticed because he just sort of blended in at coachella
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) April 16, 2017
Shitting your pants in public is 100 percent less humiliating than being seen on a Segway tour.
— albertina rizzo (@albz) April 19, 2017
CNN: The suspect ordered 20 chicken McNuggets & a basket of fries
Me: WHICH MCDONALDS HAS BASKETS OF FRIES
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) April 18, 2017
Aaaaaaaand one dude:
never look straight into an eclipse don't give him the attention that's what he wants
— julio torres ~* (@juliothesquare) April 19, 2017