I'm at six flags without a bra on I think one of my tits just flew off a rollercoaster
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) April 24, 2017
I'm wearing all clean clothes today like a millionaire
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 25, 2017
The Unicorn Frappuccino feels like America's version of the string quartet on the Titanic
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 28, 2017
Fitness level: Been a member of my gym for almost a year and just found out it has an upstairs.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) April 21, 2017
Twister (1996): A strong breeze fights a cow.
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) April 27, 2017
Confession: I've never read or seen Harry Potter so I've had a really difficult time following politics for the last year
— Rachel Fisher (@TheRachelFisher) April 27, 2017
I just pulled down my pants to pee and a candy wrapper fell out of my underwear, so no one is allowed to ask me how I'm doing ever again.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) April 23, 2017
If you can't handle me at my 3am panic attack, you don't deserve me at my 3pm panic attack.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 26, 2017
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went "ooooo" in a chorus of dismay
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) April 24, 2017
The numbers for the Science March seem high but we won't know until we compare it to the numbers at the placebo march that's also happening
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) April 22, 2017
In a movie, if a lonely outcast manages to befriend the city's rats, he is never just satisfied with his new rat friends.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) April 28, 2017
The day Trump leaves office is gonna feel like the first day after your period when you can pee without worrying about the tampon string.
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) April 28, 2017
Me: Shout out something it's ok to eat after 10pm
Audience: Nothing! Literally nothing!
Me: Ok I think I heard veggie chips
— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 26, 2017
If you're sick of driving yourself crazy just get married and drive someone else crazy
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 20, 2017
Interviewer: we need risk takers at this company–
Me: I drift every turn on Rainbow Road
— Mica Burton (@MicaBurton) April 28, 2017