Good God, The Bios For The Contestants On This Season Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Are Truly Staggering

The upcoming season of ABC’s “The Bachelorette” premieres on Monday night, so, naturally, the network has released short bios for all of the male contestants so that audience members can get to know who’ll be competing this season …

… And hoo, boy. These profiles are doozies, y’all.

While the bachelorette in question, Rachel Lindsay, is a bright and ambitious attorney, the guys lining up to curry her favor run the gamut from professional wrestlers, to male models, to “aspiring drummers” (whatever that means??).

It’s nearly impossible to make it through the 31 bios without either busting out laughing, or simply questioning whether any of these men actually live up to the phrase “eligible bachelor.”

Here are just a few contestant highlights:

  • What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why?: “Threesome. It was my birthday.” (From Adam, a 27-year-old real estate agent.)
  • What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?: “Ate a live salamander.” (From Alex, a 28-year-old Information Systems Supervisor.)
  • Occupation: “Aspiring Drummer.” (From Blake E., a 31-year-old aspiring drummer.)
  • Describe your top 3 least favorite things to do on a date: “Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn’t speak English.” (From Brady, a 29-year-old male model.)
  • Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? “No pets but when I’m married with children I will own a pet lion and name him, ‘Denzel, the lion.'” (From DeMario, a 30-year-old executive recruiter.)
  • Tell us a fun story about a one night stand: “I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!” (From Diggy, a 31-year-old senior inventory analyst.)
  • Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she deserves that title: “I do not have female friends.” (From Jamey, a 32-year-old sales account executive.)
  • Occupation: “Tickle Monster.” (From Jonathan, a 31-year-old tickle monster.)
  • What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? “Had sex with a wife while her husband watched.” (From Kenny, a 35-year-old professional wrestler.)
  • What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? “One word: Tabasco.” (From Mohit, a 26-year-old product manager.)

Wow, I don’t even know where to begin. Who thinks they can own a pet lion? Is putting tabasco on your genitals a sexy thing? What does it mean to be a professional “Tickle Monster”?

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to glean from these frankly baffling profiles — but I will admit that I now feel compelled to watch the show, if only to see how these preposterous humans interact with one another. Which, if we’re being honest, is totally the point of reality TV.

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