here's my impression of a movie about a girl w/ bangs:
a nice boy flips thru a notebook he found:"you know, these drawings are really good"
— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) May 15, 2017
Enjoy your new outfit, mattress.
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) May 19, 2017
I once killed a man by leaving him to find things in the kitchen by himself
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) May 16, 2017
Tip : when a someone stops talking to you on a dating app just message them "I'm going to give you some space and let you figure this out."
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 6, 2016
Had my clit surgically replaced with a fidget spinner
— Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) May 18, 2017
FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?
ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don't want to be
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) May 15, 2017
Well, we know aliens don't exist or Trump would've tweeted it by now.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) May 16, 2017
The Vegas strip feels like the "I'll show you, Dad!!!" of capitalism.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 19, 2017
a reality show called 'so you think you want to get married' & it's just couples building shit from ikea together
— Erica (@SCbchbum) May 19, 2017
ugh stop posting pictures of your moms unless they have big tits
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) May 14, 2017
Cool quote about "letting go of toxic people", fb friend from high school, but maybe they're leaving because you're a batshit cunt monster?
— Princess Anús (@Slashleen) May 17, 2017
College campuses are like "this is the old beautiful part and these are the science buildings we added in the 70s"
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) May 13, 2017
Carmen Sandiego was probably like in San Diego, though?
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) May 15, 2017
I like to think that the awkward facial expressions I make when I hit a pothole will help prevent my car from being damaged.
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) May 17, 2017
When I see someone with a profile pic of them kissing their boyfriend or girlfriend, all I can think is, "What a fucked up relationship."
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) May 14, 2017
Called my mom and played 'Hot Cross Buns' for her on my recorder which I've done every Mother's Day since I was 8. She hung up on me, again.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 14, 2017
I like watching sports mainly because I've had a lot of practice screaming at things I have absolutely no control over
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) May 17, 2017