Occasionally, humans make bad decisions. It’s pretty much our modus operandi. We decide to take that extra shot of Fireball, we choose to skateboard down a hill with nothing but pillows strapped to our bodies, we ignore our instincts and tell our significant other what we really think of their outfit. In short: we are idiots, and we all have a few personal stories that make us mutter, to this day, “Never again.”
A recent Reddit thread endeavored to explore these frustrating (and often embarrassing) tales of personal growth — which, despite their humiliating nature, often tend to teach us some pretty valuable life lessons.
1. CrushHazard learned the hard way that a “free trip” isn’t always worth it:
Timeshare presentation. I now know what hell is like. 8 hours of my life I’ll never get back.
And of course the “free trip” was impossible to get. “We will call you on Monday sometime in the next two months, then you need to fly out on Tuesday and come back Wednesday.”
2. samtravis discovered that you should actually listen to your damn optometrist:
Back in the days before soft contact lenses you were supposed to clean them with hydrogen peroxide and then use a special neutralizer tablet afterwards.
I forgot to use the neutralizer before I put my contacts in. Hydrogen peroxide in your eye HURTS!
3. Miaoxin probably got slapped upside the face for ignoring society’s one unspoken rule:
Asking a woman when her baby is due.
Doesn’t really need a story. It went as imagined.
4. One innocent case of the munchies went horribly wrong for Nkechinyerembi:
I went down in the pantry of my grandma’s house and ate 45 year old peaches from a jar. did you know the human body is capable of shitting peaches in roughly the same consistency they were consumed? Me either.
5. Makabajones learned that Southern Comfort isn’t so comforting:
I don’t drink Southern Comfort anymore, I don’t remember why and that’s part of the reason.
6. Poor Estadounidos will never be able to trust a juice box again:
Elementary school age. During the 80s. My great uncle gave my dad a jug of homemade wine. He put it right next to the apple juice. I got lit up despite insisting that this apple juice tasted weird. Went off to school. I’m never drinking wine again.
7. Sadly, corby315 made the mistake of mixing finances and friendship:
Loaning money to a friend.
Lost the money and the friend. Not a very good deal.
8. jusjerm apparently used Tiger Balm in all the wrong places:
Every man eventually learns the lesson that muscle rub should never be used to treat a groin pull or similarly place ailment.
9. Mixing medicine is a recipe for disaster, as evidenced by Limecherrry:
103 temperature, sicker than a dog from the flu and constipated. I was miserable. I took 4 “fiber” pills in the morning and had hallucination fits for the next 4-5 hours. Desperately trying to get some sleep, I took an ambien sleeping pill (extra strength).
Woke up 9 hours later not constipated anymore and having to do a shit-load of laundry.
10. alwaysawkward66 realized why trains aren’t considered “glamorous” anymore:
Rode an Amtrak train from New Orleans to Washington DC. I thought I was a prodigy by choosing coach seating over a sleeper car or flying as I was saving some money by doing so.
Jump forward to 25 hours in the same seat, dude next to me pulling a Germany VS Poland invasion of the armrest, baby screaming all night in the back of the car and I couldn’t sleep. The Toilet situation had deteriorated onboarrd to the point where I would use elbows and my boots to open and close the door and flush the toilet as my fellow riders were baffled by the concept of flushing and utilizing a trash bin for paper towels.
I’ve been awake 25 hours by this point and it’s 3:45am.
If I ever do this, it’s gonna be in a sleeper car, fuck the savings.
Murder on the Orient Express had the right idea
11. Everyone should learn from slapzgiving that food-related challenges are always horrible:
was once in a bet to do an “Apple Juice Challenge” in where I had 30 minutes to drink a gallon of apple juice. Not too hard right? Easy $5 to be made? Not so much. What my asshole friends didn’t tell me is that when you drink so much apple juice in such a small amount of time it all needs to exit the body, butt-hole style. What followed were the most intense, volcano blasting, a-hole destroying hours of my life. It was like a fire hose spraying acid that some dickhead lit on fire.
I didn’t complete the challenge….I lost $5…..and I even paid for the apple juice. NEVER FUCKING AGAIN apple juice…never again…
12. fuzion129 will (hopefully) never ignore his mom again:
When I was six, I distinctly remember my mom saying “Don’t lick that grill Aaron, or it will really hurt” I licked it.
13. Jherik learned that if a bar isn’t really your scene, you should maybe GTFO:
I was in Reykjavik Iceland and I was bar hopping and ended up in some sort of Viking metal bar. it wasn’t really my scene but I was having a “when in rome moment”. Anyway at some point during the set, this super intimidating looking Viking dude calls for his thrall and this chick comes out holding a vat of what I hope was sheeps blood. He reaches into the vat smears the blood on his face while screaming something in Icelandic, and then flicks his hands sending a little blood spatter to the crowd. I have never noped out of a place so hard.
14. It’s kind of miraculous that skeletorsleftlung is even alive to tell his story:
Ok so this requires a bit of backstory. When my wife and I first got together we lived in a tiny apartment and shared a twin bed. This situation continued even after she got pregnant. This of course substantially reduced my sleeping area. We slept in a spooning position. One night, when she was about 7 months pregnant, I awoke in the middle of the night and tried to readjust the blanket to recover myself. It often would end up bunched up between us, so I reached down to find it and pull it back up. There was some resistance, but I assumed that she had her foot on it or something. So I pulled harder and kept pulling, assuming it would come free any second now. At this point my wife turned her head around and angrily asked what the fuck I was doing. Turned out that I was not pulling the blanket. I had grabbed the back of her underwear and was forcefully pulling them up her asscrack. I broke out laughing and couldn’t stop for quite awhile. She was substantially less amused and even less so after my explanation. So the mistake I will never make again is… TLDR: Never tell an angry, rudely awoken pregnant woman that you mistook her underwear for a blanket. Especially if you’re laughing hysterically at the time.
15. CraptasticFanDango proved that drinking alcohol around family is similar to lighting a powder keg:
I was the designated driver for my son’s 21st birthday. He was out with dad and about 10 of his close friends, so I was pretty busy driving back and forth shlepping them all home. Finally, I get the call from dad that it’s time, and our son needs to go home.
He’s in the back seat with one of his friends when I feel a hand come from behind and grope my boob, then quickly moves down to my inner thigh… my son then says, “What do I need to do to get me some of that?”
We don’t talk about that night.