"Based on a true story" means that the real event happened to a much less attractive person.
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) February 15, 2017
Going to sleep: It's so cold in here, I'm totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) December 8, 2016
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that
ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) January 18, 2017
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she'd come crawling back to me one day
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 12, 2017
I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, "Oh look. Horses."
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) March 10, 2017
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) September 6, 2016
R u ever having like a nice chill night and then u decide to casually check up on someone via social media who ruined your life…
— amalia (@mollysoda) March 16, 2017
"1. preheat oven to–"
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) September 2, 2016
FACEBOOK: hey remember how you were engaged two years ago
ME: no thanks
FACEBOOK: your friend's racist
FACEBOOK: buy something bitch
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) August 30, 2016
*every fireworks show ever*
Me: "was that the finale?"
Random guy/local firework expert: "oh, you'll know when it's the finale"
— Jeff Squires (@jeff_jssj) July 5, 2017
Nobody has been stood up more times than the gym.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 19, 2016
Me: Let's pick something on Netflix
*years pass,decades pass, cities rise and fall, Bono finally dies*
Me: Wait go back to documentaries
— sean (@shipwrecksean) August 29, 2016
How to adult:
At work? Want to go home.
At home? Want to do something.
Doing something? Want to be in bed.
In bed? Don't sleep.
— You know (@Tmoney68) December 29, 2015
old man: "when i was your age telephones were attached to the wall"
me: [using iphone that's plugged in 14hrs a day] "well that sounds shit"
— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) May 6, 2016
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2016
6yo: What’s it like being a grown up?
ME: You know that feeling you get when you unwrap a present and it’s not what you wanted?
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) April 27, 2017
Life is pretty expensive given how garbagy it is
— batkaren (@batkaren) March 6, 2016
"table or booth?"
me: we're done here
— James Broaddus (@TheOGJB) April 25, 2017
If you laugh at a kid's joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
— ROB FEE (@robfee) April 22, 2017
me: I have a bachelors degree
waiter: so do I
bus boy: so do I
rat feeding on crumbs under the table: hey me too
— Erica (@erica_rosie) February 21, 2016
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 17, 2013
So much of my adult life has been spent pretending I wasn't going for a high five
— neener bee hunky (@ninatreemonkey) January 20, 2016
me at age 8: if i eat my lunch quicker i have more time for recess
me at age 28: today i will eat lunch at 10:50 and a second lunch at 3:15
— leon (@leyawn) May 26, 2016
Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 26, 2016
🎶It's the freakin' weekend baby I'm about to not do any of the things I said I'd do this weekend 🎶
— Jason Mustian (@jasonmustian) February 12, 2016
If I still can't hear what you said after repeating it 3 times, I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question
— claire maloney (@cmaloney24) May 14, 2016
People who snore always fall asleep first 😩
— Jeffrey Chang (@JeffreyChang) May 5, 2015
MOM: just audition! The worst they can say is "no"
JUDGE: ur worthless and will amount to nothing
ME: so mom, guess what
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) March 5, 2016