10 questions I still have about ‘Clueless,’ 22 years later

It’s been a whopping 22 years since Clueless, the sparkling pink brain-child of Amy Heckerling, was released into the world, thereby changing our lives forever. And although this movie holds a special place in my cold, bitter heart, there are still a few queries I have in regards to the film’s (often slightly surrealist) plot.

1. Wait, did touch screens exist in the ’90s?

 

Okay, I probably shouldn’t read too much into Cher’s incredible computer system, which somehow allows her to see herself magically dressed in every possible item of clothing she owns — but it’s definitely some bullshit. I mean, look at that computer. Ain’t no way that ’90s-era computer system has a touch screen, even on a good day.

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2. What fatal plastic surgery incident befell Cher’s mom??

She died during a routine liposuction procedure?? Hold up, I think you buried the lede here, Cher. It’s introduced as a funny little detail, but casually dropping the fact that your mom died while procuring cosmetic surgery is a teensy bit dark, TBH.

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3. Why does Josh still hang out with his former step-family?

They attempt to briefly explain away this little detail, but the whole thing was still doesn’t quite ring true for me. Wouldn’t it be awkward to hang out with the guy who divorced your mom and wasn’t actually your biological father? And if the whole ruse was just an excuse to see Cher, isn’t that kind of playing the super long con? I don’t know, it kind of feels like Josh is just a free-loader looking for a fridge to raid. (Which, credit where credit is due, is awesome.)

4. Did Cher and Dionne really give Ms. Geist a makeover in 30 seconds?

Miss Geist is certainly super chill and Cher and Dionne womanhandling her outside of the teachers lounge, but how were they able to instantaneously transform her into a less-frazzled looking, more fashionable woman? Should I stop questioning Cher’s makeover powers and simply accept them for what they are, i.e., otherworldly? Probably.

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5. Why was Cher not more weirded out by Elton constantly groping her?

This sleaze-bag was getting handsy with Cher way before his uncomfortable car confession. He’s constantly nuzzling her and kissing her on the cheek like some sort of over-coiffed Pepé Le Pew. And while I’m sure that Cher put up with it simply because women are often forced to deal with casual sexual harassment, it’s definitely weird that this dude was so damn grabby without any sort of explicit encouragement.

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6. What is the name “Tai” short for?

I mean, I really don’t have anything to add to this question, it’s just something I’ve genuinely wondered for a while now.

7. Are the girls even friends with Amber?

Ah, Amber. The classic frenemy. One minute, Cher is hanging out with her and taking chummy group photos, the next she’s insulting her and dragging her over the coals for copying her outfit. IS AMBER FRIEND OR FOE??

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8. Does Cher need glasses?

Okay, real talk: nobody should be that bad at driving, especially if they’ve (allegedly) been practicing. Sure, maybe she’s simply a bad driver — but side-swiping parked cars and running down cyclists (while sober) is especially bad. Like … girl needs an eye exam, stat.

9. Does Cher only like Josh because Tai likes him?

Unpopular opinion: though Paul Rudd’s handsomeness is undeniable, it seems pretty suspect that Cher only realizes her feelings for Josh as soon as Tai admits she might have a crush on him. Sure, perhaps the confession merely unearthed the realization, but it seems equally likely that Cher is just a tad territorial and, well, selfish when it comes to the men in her life.

But, I also don’t really want to believe in that theory because I WANT LOVE TO PREVAIL.

Why does my boyfriend not respect this movie?

The most mystifying question of all: why do so many guys fail to appreciate the brilliance of this film? Do they not understand that it’s a satirical interpretation of Emma, by Jane Austen? Are they simply incapable of comprehending that an exceptionally girly film can still be smart and enjoyable?

I don’t have the answers. My only explanation is that boy are, frequently, exceptionally dumb — and if I’m forced to explain to one more dude why this movie is a classic, I’m going to self-implode.

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