Me online: I love all woman they are my sisters
Me at the gym: fuck that perfect bitch I hate her
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 1, 2017
Hey ladies, love life getting stale? Surprise your man with snakes in his shoes. Bring a wild lemur into the bedroom. Hit him with a shovel.
— Yael (@elle91) August 1, 2017
Everybody knows I don't eat at Five Guys but nobody knows it's because I used date the third guy.
— Taylor Ortega (@taylor_ortega) August 1, 2017
like i don't believe in gender but i do definitely believe boats are girls
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 23, 2017
Volunteering to fuck a ghost to further ghost population restoration efforts after local ghost hunters have driven them nearly to extinction
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) July 30, 2017
how many lightbulbs does it take to change a human
— Simone Giertz (@SimoneGiertz) August 3, 2017
Anyone else constantly playing a game they've imposed on themselves where they are only allowed happiness after a certain amount of work?
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) August 4, 2017
I want Netflix and Hulu to have "sleep mode," where they play 6 eps of a show I've seen 90 times and cut out the theme songs.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) August 1, 2017
Every taco is a street taco if you drop it.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) August 1, 2017
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW
*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON'T BE A QUITTER
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) July 25, 2017
Sometimes my dog brings me a tennis ball like, "Pretty cool, huh?" And I tell him, "Oh dude, I have an iPhone and a car. THAT?! That sucks."
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) August 1, 2017
My signature cocktail is a double white wine in a sippy cup.
— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) August 3, 2017
turns out that my "i refuse to learn a new skill unless im immediately good at it" tactic is sabotaging my entire life
— rose (@lleuadau) August 2, 2017
Daenerys: I've been beaten, chained, betrayed, I have liberated my people
Me: I wish she'd wear more white tones, I miss her in whites
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) July 31, 2017
if u text me that u have a boner I'll start a group chat with all the other guys who texted they have a boner and u can make some boner buds
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 2, 2017