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‘Crotch Charms’ are the latest bikini trend that literally no one asked for

We’ve witnessed an array of rather unsettling fashion trends over the years—some far worse than others. I’m sure you won’t soon forget the unsightly camel toe underwear that intentionally makes it look as though fabric is bunched inside your hoo-hah. Or perhaps, this year’s various assaults on denim.

However, none of these unfortunate style faux pas could have prepared us for the latest WTF fad…Crotch Charms. Because bling-ing out the crotch of your bikini is a thing now. Someone please call for help.

Introducing the latest WTF fashion trend, Crotch Charms.

Also known as the BeachTail, this unique piece of “jewelry” is literally a chain that affixes to the crotch of your swimsuit and is complete with two hanging beads.

Why, you may ask, would anyone want to wear this? We wish we knew.

Japanese retailer BoDivas is currently selling the item on both Etsy and Amazon for $19.50.

According to their site, these Crotch Charms come in a variety of styles. The more sturdy design features a 2.75-inch long chain that clips around your swimsuit crotch. Yes, that means it will rub against your lady parts—as if wearing a swimsuit wasn’t already a bit uncomfortable down there.

The more delicate chains are 1.5 inches long with two Swarovski crystal charms attached. Keeping it real classy. But there’s more! You can get these charms in pretty much any color you like, or you can choose to forgo the charms altogether and it will look like you have a silver tampon string hanging out of your swimsuit. Score!

And yes, people are actually ordering them.

One Amazon reviewer gave the product 4 stars writing,

“While the dangling jewels often wrapped themselves in my leg hair, I found the bunching action of the chain to be helpful for the removing of wedges from my posterior. The jewels make accessing the chain easy and form a nifty, ergonomic handle that only requires a quick yank. The next step should be monogrammed jewel handles and carrying cases.”

Apparently, there is an entire Crotch Charm culture we’ve been blind too. But if these aren’t your cup of tea, BoDivas also sells a variety of other sexy items you can try out including Nipple Nooses, Clit Clips, and Nipple Ring Chains.

Naturally, we have a few questions.

  1. First and foremost, WHY? What purpose do these charms serve besides being a hazard to your cooch?
  2. Is there a male version?
  3. Does the metal hurt?
  4. Is it supposed to be a sex toy?
  5. How many people have actually worn them?
  6. Can we try them out?
  7. And do people actually jingle them, like in this video

Regardless, I think I’m going to have to hard pass on this particular fashion trend.