nice thing about the pace of the current news cycle is that I've scrolled my fingerprints off & can now commit crimes with no repercussions
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) July 19, 2017
I'm starting to think my "coexist" bumper sticker isn't working
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) August 14, 2017
me at 8:12 pm: i'm the saddest ugliest nastiest person on the planet
me at 8:13 pm: i'm the most beautiful person to ever grace this earth
— vulpix (@ahoybailey) August 14, 2017
I have a sleep shirt that says NOT A MORNING PERSON but I'm considering crossing out "morning."
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) August 10, 2017
I learned everything I know about dancing from the California Raisins.
— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) August 15, 2017
don't worry I can't look directly at the eclipse i owe it money
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) August 18, 2017
Shout out to minimalist butterflies, aka moths
— Kristi Harrison (@hereinid) August 11, 2017
when an old man is mean to a cashier I like to a) make eye contact with another person in line b) tell the cashier sorry about my boyfriend
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 9, 2017
Chocolate milk is a hug that you can drink
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) August 15, 2017
I don't need to be rich. I just want to be comfortable enough that I don't feel guilty throwing away a Ziploc bag after only using it twice.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 16, 2017
last night I went to a legitimately fun gathering where we discussed colonoscopies for like half an hour so I guess I'm an adult
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) August 17, 2017
friend: text me when you get home!
me, 10 years later with a husband, 2 kids & a dog: shit, sorry I forgot! I'm home!!!!!
— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) August 17, 2017
Me: I'm in New York, I should eat something special for lunch!
*Narrator voice:* She went to Chipotle.
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) August 16, 2017
Just posted a Facebook update while sitting on a toilet in Scotland am I travel writer
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) August 17, 2017