Waxing is one of those torturous tasks that women endure on a regular basis, which definitively proves that they are as tough as (read: tougher than) men. I mean, having your body hair ripped from its follicles? Is there anything that sounds more badass or terrifying?
As such, many women have developed a certain pain threshold which is difficult to cross. If they’ve had Brazilian waxes, they’re practically invincible.
That’s why it’s so astounding that one British woman is still reeling over her experience with an at-home waxing kit.
It all started when Hannah Scorer attempted to try some Boots Smooth Care Wax Strips to tidy up her bikini area — a move which turned out to be quite ill-advised. The wax strip results were apparently so horrendous that they prompted Hannah to create a post on Boots’ official Facebook page.
Hannah begins by describing just how terrible the wax strips were at performing their given task:
Here’s a list of things that could have waxed me more successfully:
*George Evelyn, better known as electronic music composer Nightmares on Wax
*the 2005 film House of Wax, starring Paris Hilton.
Hannah goes on to detail her experience with the wax strips, and how ineffective they were at removing hair from her bikini area (i.e., the absolute last place you would want ineffective hair removal products).
So, as instructed on the back of the pack I warmed a strip, stuck it down, endured the brief but childbirth-level pain intensity of ripping it off, and looked down, ready to admire a peachy beach-ready inner thigh.
Do you know what I saw instead, Boots? All the hair I’d just tried to take off not even slightly detached from its follicles. Except now, matted firmly into the hair was a thick layer of wax. Have you touched that wax when it becomes separated from its strip? It is so sticky it could have held together the original Sugababes line-up. My bikini line was like the dancefloor of a really questionable club at 3am.
Hannah attempted to make the best of the situation, but she was past the point of return. Her attempts to remove the wax residue may have actually made the situation worse.
I was slightly panicked until I remember the wax residue removing moisturising wipes included in the box of wax! It will all be ok, I thought, for the wipes will resolve this.
I took one of the wipes and started trying to rub off the wax/glue/melted Push Pop hybrid. However, instead of rescuing my skin, the wipe becomes trapped and bits of it tear off and firmly adhere to my waxy, furry skin, like a series of tiny surrender flags.
The worst part of the whole debacle? Hannah was attempting to get ready for a date. (A presumably hot date, considering she was tending to her bikini area.)
This would be bad enough in any situation, but do you know why I was waxing my bikini line, Boots? I had a date. I’ve been out of the dating game for a while and I appreciate things change, but this wasn’t learning Tinder, this was my fanny looking like something from the Blair Witch. The Blair Witch, Boots.
With a little bit of elbow grease, Hannah was finally able to salvage the situation as best she could (while sacrificing a few razors in the process).
So, I got in the shower, and exfoliated off as much of the gunk and tissue paper mixture as I could, before dealing with the area with a good old-fashioned razor. Or I tried. But the wax had to continue its campaign to ruin my life, and it immediately blunted the razor.
Eventually, with repeated exfoliation the use of a large amount of very expensive oil I usually save for special occasions and a replacement razor blade, I manage to finish the job the wax strips didn’t really start. My fanny looks like a bright pink newborn panda, but at least the hair is gone. So is my will to live and half the products in my bathroom, but at this point I’ll salvage a win wherever I can.
In summation: Hannah literally went through a transformative experience, thanks to these wax strips. She’s practically a different person now. She’s seen things. She’s felt things. She can never go back to her former, innocent self.
So that, Boots, is why these are the worst wax strips in the works. Please remove them from sale immediately and gift them to the construction industry as an alternative to cement. Or pass them on to local councils looking for some anti-climb paint. Anything that doesn’t involve hair removal really.
I’m not clairvoyant, but I think I can predict with a fair amount of certainty that women everywhere are going to think twice before purchasing these wax strips.
Unless they enjoy a challenge, that is.
As for Hannah? Hopefully her date appreciated the fresh hell her vagina had endured, and threw in a back rub and some breakfast.