the only word I can use to describe this diarrhea is "humbling"
— young hope (@hopiecan) September 14, 2017
Me: We All Die Alone for $500
Trebek: That's not one of the options
Me: *lips against mic* It's the only option, Alex
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) September 12, 2017
U ever about to go so hard on some food you need a hair tie
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 13, 2017
Pumpkin seeds are a nice, wholesome snack that you can throw onto anything: salads, spreads, oatmeal, soup, the floor
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 12, 2017
*googles treatment for stress*
most popular answer: eliminate stress
me: oh good. thanks.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) September 14, 2017
Welcome to your 30s. You now have Home Advil and Purse Advil.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 7, 2017
can't wait for the iPhone 12 to come out so I can afford the iPhone X
— Ziwe (@ziwe) September 12, 2017
I got 99 problems and all of them are luftballons
— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) September 7, 2017
A free tourist activity is to go to the Financial District during lunch rush, walk up to any guy in a suit, and say "I know about Katie."
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) September 14, 2017
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant "I'm not married but I don't want men to talk to me"
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 14, 2017
i find it very therapeutic to go to the shoe store & let them tie the shoes for you & then reach out toward the salesperson saying "MAMA UP"
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 10, 2017
This dude in Sephora told his wife "just get whatever you want" and I swear heads everywhere turned.
— Jenna Lightstone (@jennalightstone) September 9, 2017
To all the reporters who are endangering their lives to show us hurricane Irma, rest assured that it's really boring & just looks like rain
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) September 10, 2017
Little girls have always and will always love unicorns because they're magical, majestic creatures with built-in forehead shivs.
— Living Marble (@living_marble) September 14, 2017
Don't tell me I look like I've seen a ghost when you have simply no knowledge of my ghost-seeing face. Just who do you think you are.
— soup rabbit (@hellohappy_time) September 11, 2017
Whenever I hear background vocals come in on a song, I think, "Aw, that's nice – her friends are here to support her."
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) September 14, 2017
I can't wait for iPhone face recognition to lock me out when I'm not wearing makeup.
— Pim Karker (@KLParkour) September 13, 2017
me: wow juliet was dumb I would never kill myself over a boy
also, me: he hasn't responded to my text in 45 seconds, should I eat glass
— Ziwe (@ziwe) September 14, 2017
If a friendship outlasts my HBO free trial then I know it's real
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) September 13, 2017