fuck it. i might as well put a mastercard that earns travel points in my swear jar
— Erica (@SCbchbum) September 27, 2017
*puts bra in the dishwasher*
this is where i clean my boob spoons
— Kim Monte 🍂 (@KimmyMonte) September 29, 2017
If I was accidentally weird to you once just know I will be thinking about it every night for the next 50 years
— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) September 26, 2017
give pot strains more accurate names like You’ll Do The Dishes Without Knowing It or Fun At First Then You’re Sure Everyone Is Against You
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 26, 2017
Nothing fills me with more anxiety than having to read a customer service person an order number and not knowing what rhythm they use.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) September 27, 2017
Secretly we all want to be with someone who has read receipts on their texts
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) September 28, 2017
My sister at 7pm: what are we doing tonight?
Me at 7pm: *finishes bottle of wine* we are already doing it.
— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) September 23, 2017
Plan B: the morning after pill
Plan A: My face and personality.
— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) September 29, 2017
"I'm doing me" is code for I am giving myself free reign to act like a complete psychopath
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 27, 2017
Man next to me on this flight just dripped a drink on my leg by accident then said he'd wipe it off if I want.
Sir, don't make me Op-Ed.
— Amber Tamblyn (@ambertamblyn) September 26, 2017
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 25, 2017
*dropping my 6y/o off at school*
Administrator: Happy Monday!
6y/o, angry whispering to me: what does that mean?!!
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 25, 2017
Welp I gotta be up in four hours so I guess this is the perfect time to do my annual lurking session of people I don't talk to anymore
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 28, 2017
One day malls will just be pretzel stores. even clothes stores will just be pretzels. you find a shirt you like? psych it's a pretzel bitch
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) September 28, 2017
sometimes i feel calm and i’m like “what the fuck is this”
— J. Jennifer Espinoza (@sadqueer4life) September 29, 2017
Guess who's got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) September 26, 2017
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
— madds (@whatmaddness) September 28, 2017