It's only a walk of shame if I don't get laid.
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) October 1, 2017
RIP Hugh Hefner who dared to dream that women could be waitresses AND rabbits.
— Sudi Green (@Sudi_Green) September 28, 2017
Flowers are just a plant bragging
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) September 29, 2017
one day i will own several throw pillows with expressions like "who needs men when you have chocolate" & "wine not" so yes i'm ok with aging
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 29, 2017
4 out of 5 poets recommend the road less traveled by.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) September 29, 2017
Me at my most relaxed: I'm freaking the fuck out right now
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) October 6, 2017
going to watch a new episode of nathan for you without my partner as a form of emotional warfare
— crissy (@crissymilazzo) October 6, 2017
The reason we think the women on Fox News are hot is that all the men look like they just crawled out of the ceiling vent at Best Buy.
— Kristen Bartlett (@kristencheeks) October 1, 2017
Last night's dream about finding a secret bonus closet in my apartment suggests I've lived in New York for too long.
— Shira Monster (@srdanan) October 4, 2017
I feel like the first rule of Uber driving should be no whispering to yourself
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 28, 2017
[wakes up] No
— bela lugosi's beth💀 (@bourgeoisalien) October 4, 2017
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I'd know how the outfit would look on me
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) September 22, 2017
I wonder what it is about being in an urban outfitters dressing room that makes my tits look exhausted
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) October 2, 2017
Any time one of the Kardashians gets pregnant I think about that part in Gremlins when Stripe jumps in the pool
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) September 23, 2017
We, as a nation, need to come together and find another word for "horny."
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) October 6, 2017
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
— batkaren (@batkaren) October 2, 2017
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) October 1, 2016